Commandments 26 June 2011

*~* Cherokee *~*
Treat the Earth and all that dwell thereon with respect.
Remain close to the Great Spirit.
Show great respect for your fellow beings.
Work together for the benefit of all Mankind.
Give assistance and kindness wherever needed.
Do what you know to be right.
Look after the well being of mind, body and spirit.
Dedicate a share of your efforts to the greater good.
Be truthful and honest at all times.
Take full responsibility for your actions.

"When all the trees have been cut down,
when all the animals have been hunted,
when all the waters are polluted,
when all the air is unsafe to breathe,
only then will you discover you cannot eat money."
~ Cree Prophecy ~

Chronic pain ~

9/4/11 * This was tough to write, will be tough for certain people to read.  This is my perception and opinion, and quite a bit based on fact *

"We are not given a good life or bad life, we are given life and it is up to us to make it good or bad." ~ Ward Foley, inspirational author

Living with a chronic illness has taught me the following. Hope is essential. An open-heart and deep compassion are gifts. Inner strength is a result. With love and many blessings. ♥  ~ Kim ~

Hope is having the strength to try again.
Hope is allowing your fears to melt away
Hope is keeping the smile in your heart
Hope is giving yourself a brand new start

~*~

When I was still working in air traffic, we worked in windowless facilities with false floors.  One day my dress shoe caught in a crack between the 2ft sq steel tiles and I had one of those wacked out accidents that are hard to describe - I was leaving admin to get back to my position because traffic had picked back up.  So my body wanted to go forward and instead gravity of a foot stuck flung me backwards -  Nowadays, thinking back, I imagine if someone had had a slow motion videograph of that, it would look pretty hilarious.  Needless to say though, the damage that accident caused became more and more evident as months slipped by.  It is very hard to remember back to 1996 and describe the slow painful death of my life as it had been and a career that I absolutely loved and, fortunately, was so very good at.  I had accomplished a lot in 8 years, climbing over barriers and establishings precedents for future controllers.  At first, the whiplash pain was practically immediate and fortunately, I filled out an incident/accident report.  Then a migraine hit and I had to leave work.  Over the next year I would go from a vibrant mother of two elementary kids active in school and weekend activities, sports and church and the wife of a  fellow controller, the homemaker, and the coordinator of everything that a family of four required - to almost an incapacitated blob that spent life curled into a fetal position begging for death to end the pain.  I did not really WANT to die because truly, my kids defined me then.  My marriage had already suffered so much, and this "monster" of chronic pain - I believe propelled the Active beginning of The End.  It took well over a year, many visits to doctors who performed countless and sometimes tortuous tests to try to find the cause of a pain that I can only describe as: when a "charley horse" wakes you in the middle of the night screaming, because your calf is all balled up - THAT kind of pain was in every single muscle fiber in my body.  Now that I know the insides of the human body from all the medical training I have had - I understand this better and can tell you that the pain WAS in every soft tissue ( ligaments, cartiledge, muscle ) group -- this means eyes, face, arms, hands, legs, feet, bum, tummy, chest, back, neck, scalp - the pain invaded my entire being and sapped me of life, the desire to be awake, the desire to move an inch, the desire to breathe, the desire to sustain my human form in any way possible.  I could not brush my own hair or hold a cup of coffee, towards the end.  During the spiral downward into this hell, I eventually had to stop cooking because I dropped hot pots of food on the counter or floor; had to stop driving because I ran stop signs or red lights or could not stay between the lines; had to stop running the household.  Unfortunately, at My house, this meant that my elementary aged kids, who had been happy vibrant and giggly ecstatic balls of spitfire energy - suddenly had to learn to run the house.  I did not have the support that I needed to get through this hell to the other side.  My spouse was working at the same job, and when he was home, about the only thing I remember him caring about was the grass being perfectly groomed, the pool cleaned, and watching tv ( his out ).  My two wonderful little miracles learned quickly how to cook a Real Meal ( not microwave ).  They learned that laundry has to be separately washed ( whites, colors, do not dry certain items or they shrink ) , paying bills by writing out checks, and balancing checkbooks, scheduling trips to the grocery store for when mommy had the most energy, learning how to be copilots watching the speed gauge, gas gauge, stop signs, light signals, talking mommy through what had once been a second nature function, becoming a laughable nightmare of driving 2 miles to the store.  I was the lucky one that got to hug the shopping cart while they went hunting for the items that had the "best price" - without my salary as head of household, we had become experts are finding "the deals" ... of course, getting home was even more of an adventure and they squabbled over who put what away.  They got very good at deciding the weekly menu and took turns cooking or helping each other out.  Getting laundry done and folded, and put away in 4 separate dressers/closets.  Taking turns dusting, vacuuming, washing dishes.  The day did come when I honestly wanted to check out of life for real though.  I could not take the pain anymore - it pervaded every waking second of my day and interrupted every precious second of sleep.  Pain had become the What that defined the Who that I was and I hated it.  The day I went to the doctor to tell him, I could not go on anymore - somehow, my babies must have known for they insisted on being in the exam room with me.  And as I started to tell him, that I wanted to swallow an entire bottle of anything and slip off into never never land, I looked at them and they looked terrified.  How the hell did they know ? so, I could not tell him that.  Instead, I pointed at them and looked him in the eye, and told him that ?10? months of NSAIDS had not done a damn bit of good, all the tests had found nothing, and yet there sat 2 people who could testify to what I had once been, and what I no longer was.  And that he was no longer useful in diagnosing me except to find me the best damn specialist in the world.  And thus my trip to Emory in Atlanta and finding the Truth.   They say Truth will set you free.  I say thats a line of crap.  The truth ended my career ( I had already exhausted every bit of annual, sick, administrative, and special leave available to me including the leave donation bank account ).   The pain, the twisted muscles and skeleton that once ran 4 miles a day and stood straight as an arrow, could no longer type, write, drive, cook, clean, see clearly, listen attentively, hug, touch, be loved, give orders, interpret data, function at a baseline level of life, let alone as the matriarch I once was.  The migraines were insidious and blinding and lasted days if not weeks.  The lack of continence was an embarrassment and became the wedge that I did not see coming in the husband/wife area of life.   I could not go out to do anything without knowing whether or not we would have to "suddenly leave and go home" because mom had to change her pants - diapers at 37 ?? oh god no.  Supposedly I did a couple activities in 1997 with my family - I do not remember them at all.  For instance, one of the biggest airshows ever with the AF Thunderbirds, and every plane in the AF inventory available to look at  and touch, including my beloved Habu ... nope, do not remember that day at all.  All the medication to "fix" me, to the best possible fix medical science had at the time, was prohibited for use by the FAA , and really,  I harbor NO ill will at all.  The flight surgeons and the medical professionals that I worked with that finally unanimously agreed on medical retirement were truly far more empathic and compassionate to me than my own kin.  Maybe because their science and medical background gave them insight into what was going on under the skin.  The truth is - most people would look at me and wonder what the heck was wrong, because - superficially, I looked fine, except exhausted and completely lackluster.  The next 6 years would be life altering in ways I never expected.  Several years of physical therapy, mental health / marriage counselling therapy, raising teens, surviving a severe economic and self -esteem blow that rocked my world's orbit ... looking back, I have on occasion wondered "why" and honestly, I know, Now, it does not matter anymore.   From a perspective of not just surviving but thriving through the last 15 years and becoming who I am today, the "why" seems rather trivial.  The "how" and with "whom" IS however, the key players in this thing called chronic pain.  My kids as they will always be called by me, are now in their mid-20s, my daughter is married, my son still waiting on the Army to take him onboard.  Their dad left a long time ago and never looked back and never explained.  I think I understand to some degree.  He once told me, long before 1996 - that I was so emotionally strong it made his physical strength seem insignificant.  I think maybe that was an epiphany for him.  A man used to bench pressing hundreds of pounds more in weight than he was; who could drive a golfball 300 yards down the fairway; who could pick up the front or rear end of a car ~ had no concept built in, no framework with which to comprehend or to understand the type of emotional strength I was raised to have.  I want to believe that what I DO have is genetic and was passed down by generations from both sides of my family.  Which begs the question, in my mind, from knowing his familial history on both sides of his parentage - why he did not have the same.  So maybe, a small part was genetic training, and most of it, has more to do with the Who that I really am.  From a very very young age - mother tells me I was extremely independant and strong headed ( she has not gone so far as to say stubborn as an ass, just so you get the idea ) ... Very willful indeed.  Quite intelligent, to a scary degree, high school was extremely boring for me after all the non-traditional education I had received up north before moving to Florida in the mid70's ... And, the lifestyle we did live of moving annually when dad was stateside, and living temporarily with family very close by when he was not ... made for a nomadic type of mentality.  I could never be a packrat while we moved.  We could only take so much gross weight per family, and most of that was furniture, which meant, that toys got donated so often, eventually I just started wearing thin the local library card.  Of course I did "play" outside - with the brothers.   Heavens, my knees are paying for it now.  I could climb trees, build snow forts, throw a mean snowball, hit softballs, play football, and ride bikes with the best of them.  When they got tired of big sister tagging along though, I read books.  Got lost in them.  Became them.  Took many adventures around the world and learned history in my own way.  And I think all of that and more, made me this very strong emotional person.  However, this also created a person who internalizes very easily.  It also made me quite blind to the "real world" and since 2002, I have had some eye-opening experiences that I am quite ashamed of privately.  Digressing again. 
Chronic pain will be my companion likely until I get old enough that the synaptic connections stop firing and my brain no longer registers that the pain exists.  That is life and I learned a long time ago, that shit happens, and you deal with it and move on.  I do not dwell in unhappy places long.  I do go there because it happens to be where I usually meet my true self and have conversations noone else cares about  -- the ones where you tell yourself how pitiful you are, lazy etc. and then give yourself a swift kick in the rear to self motivate.  Neuromuscular disease is no joke.  It is very real.  And it is incurable.  I understand it far more now than I have ever since 1996 and I hope I learn a lot more.  Strides are being made in this field annually and, my own recent college voyage in laboratory sciences opened up a whole new world of understanding for me.  Many "AhAH" moments.  The truth is, I LOOK normal.  And, I never know when my body is going to rebel against stress, time, tension, lack of water or food ( I really am bad about remembering to eat ) or consistency in taking meds and sleeping.  Like the spasm on my right side the last several days.  Very irritating.  My right leg shakes so bad driving, that I speed up as fast as I can to 65 and put speed control on  - then pray I make it to where I am going, so I can survive long enough to get back home.  And that noone notices.  Except that my son has too keen an eye and without having the time to "settle" my body down, he can notice right off .  What to say, I am just tired yaknow ?  stressed over this whole testing issue and wanting to not have a time crunch.  Wanting so bad to spend several days languishing in bed if it were not that the dogs and cats need fed and watered and let out to play and romp and do their natural things and they want attention just as much as I want it .... they are quite a bit more insistent than I am.  I did not get to fill my hug bank this week.  Both of the kids were in a hurry, and otherwise thinking of  their lives and obligations and that is as it should be.  So this chronic pain is really painfully chronic and will just Not go away.  For one thing, when one gets into a state like this, the smart person, learns what the "new" level of tolerance is and quickly learns how to maintain that.  Experiment with the variety of drugs available for treatment until you find the right "cocktail" that works for your specific chemical situation and then, tweak it when necessary - otherwise, find ways to deal with it.  And I have  to wonder IF, the fact that I Did NOT have a significant other that was my support go-to person, is this what has aided me in maintaining my independance and kept me from becoming what so many, such a huge percentage of people in my condition - have, their inability to cope or transcend the condition. ?? .  To this I have no answers.  I stopped going to support sites and webpages where everyone complains about what does not work.  I find that rather ill gotten and depressing.  Do I have rotten days - of course I do.  And every single day that I wake up and stretch and my cats walk all over me wanting a rub, and the dogs are at the door wanting to go run ... is a grand day and it gets no better than that for now and I am truly blessed.  And, a huge part of me just wants life to be That simple for the rest of my years.  As long as I can keep the sensory overload at a minimum, the exercise at my pace, and the daily chores done ..weekly chores when I can, and remember to eat - all is right in the world.  It is those times when I have no control over the external influences that change that chronic pain tolerance paradigm, that is when I wish I had a cuddle buddy.  When I wish I had a support system in place that truly does understand , cares, nurtures, wants to DO for me so I do not have to, someone who will remember that every 12 hours I need to take which specific medications and that I should eat 4 small meals a day, not just one decent one.  A man with a life who is unselfish enough to WANT to spend his life with me, Despite the chronic pain and everything that goes with these conditions of my body - because life without me would be a life less than the best he wants for himself.  And I think to myself, that that may likely never happen and I cry shamelessly over that.  Because if I were not so damn emotionally strong, might I have kept what I once had, however awful it was and however sick and disastrous it was, unhealthy to the n'th degree, it was at the very least, another someone in my world who was not going to grow up and move away to live their own life the way our kids are meant to do.  For better for worse, in sickness and in health, it was supposed to be til death do we part.  I guess I died when my body went haywire.  When the neural synapses went apocalyptic and destroyed the wow woman I was and screwed me physically, the emotional strength that I was for my ex, went into hibernation to hide from the chronic pain because it was so unbearable.  And when that strength returned, he had runaway.  I realize that there is a lot more than that.  I realize I So much more maybe than I will ever truly know and understand.  Because I never got an explanation.  Ever.  Nor an apology.  And when I sued for back pay of child support and subsistence iaw the divorce agreement, I nearly lost my kids for good.  In getting them back, I paid a deep and near fatal price.  And our relationship has been inalterably changed.  We do not have those deep and confidential talks anymore.  They do not trust me so much anymore.  I realize this may be an unconscious response on their part, something they tangibly are not doing purposely, that it is there between us and lingers like a hazy cloud over our heads ... maybe it is my imagination.  This I do not know and I often pray it is.  I do not have guilt about what I did.  If nothing else came of it, I proved to myself, that I still have that emotional strength to endure so much more than most.  I also learned that I am far and wide a much happier and healthier person now even With this neuro disease and chronic pain, than some will ever be.  That there really truly are reasons that prayers go unanswered, that "til death do us part" sometimes ends decades before, and that being alone, at the worst of times and being able to laugh at my furry kids, or enjoy a meal or a few minutes in passing with my two miracles ... is far more precious than gold or diamonds,  and worth every nanosecond.  Would I go back and change how my life has become what it is, or what it never became?  because certainly, my life is Not what my dreams were made of when I was growing up and imagining how life would be, nor is it what I planned and worked so hard for when I was first married.  It is so very far removed and different from that and will never be anything like what my young dreams were made of.  I do know one thing for sure.   Attitude determines Altitude and I have that in spades.  This low periods are few and far between.  Emotional strength is a great concept.  When nothing else is there to lean on, it works.  The human component of having a support group when chronic pain and fatigue set in, when life's fast track abruptly slows, when the weather changes, when the fog creeps in ... I miss that.  I cannot imagine anyone willing to sign on for this ride.  And that is not coming from a pity place.  This is not a cakewalk.  I know of people fighting cancer or raising kids with physical or mental challenges, who have spouses and family support that is stunning and wonderful.  I also know there are others like me who were abandoned.  Who gave up.  Who kicked everyone to the curb in anger, frustration, fear, pain, misery, defiance, disbelief.  For them I can only wish they find the self love and acceptance I had to rely on to make it this far.  Is it easy.  Hell no it is not.  Being alone and being a blob can get very old very quick.  Wanting to be more than I am does not make it so.   I am me.  I love unabashedly and with complete acceptance of the other person good and bad.  Because I want that.  And Buddha says to love all things.  That in being humble in love and giving that love freely, is the measure of our life.  I am not measured by my chronic pain, neuro faults, mind numbing fatique.  At least ideally I am not.  This is not an ideal world.  The imperfect and infirm, in the wild animal kingdom, do not survive.  Only in the human world, are we allowed to shuffle and struggle along.

Update 4-11-12
I still have not been hired for a job, in a career in which I graduated with honors with an AS degree in laboratory science, passed national certification exam first time through and received state licensing in all 5 specialties.  I have a granddaughter due the end of July and have been knitting layettes for her, a niece's baby boy; my son-in-law's soon-to-be-niece/nephew; my niece's wedding gift for October ... whew ... which means Lots of pain for the gain !   Job searching is tough.  Sitting at the computer all day, spending hours filling out applications for hospitals all over the southeast usa, not hearing back or getting rejection letters - I honestly have decided I will no longer tell them when I graduated high school or my DOB.  Hopefully , those are not "required" fields either.   Lack of being hired based on my age is against the law, and I cannot afford to wait for someone to appreciate my 30+ years work experience.  And the fact that I will be working another 20 years I think .... so, how are you ?

Anonymous Author, still I Have Learned . . .

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm, for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. 
I’ve learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it’s place. 
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re downhill are the ones to help you get back up. 
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry. 
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. 
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have. 
I’ve learned that maturity had more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated. 
I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. 
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will get hurt in the process.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you. . I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe. . . }!{

RIP Erwin Wetjen - your son is a great friend, and your wife a wonderful lady - you will be so missed ~!~  Go in peace, Blessed Be and now Pain free ~!~

Death is Nothing ~ ~ ~

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.... ... ...
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.... ... ...
Play, smile, think of me.
Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.... ... ...
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.... ... ...

For an interval.
Somewhere.
Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Andy Wilson, "Guardian of Forgotton Souls"

In the last three years,  3 friends have passed over to the "other room", people I never met face to face physically.  We talked on the phone, or on skype, or chatted through emails.  What I find interesting is how close people can become when the "history" of one's life is not the premise of getting to know or growing a friendship.   We plant fresh seeds in the garden each spring and faithfully tend seedlings, nurture the young vines and eventually sow the harvest of our labours.  So ... why do we expect that our family members could just be "friends" ? , forget the mistakes we made 5, 10, 20 years ago.  We are supposed to learn from those judgement missteps.  Considering that we do, and we make ourselves better than we were or evolve ourselves into someone with a more kind and compassionate direction, can we not be a new garden ?   Sometimes the history of our relationships gets in the way of forgiving and moving on.   There are the lucky ones, those who fall in love and grow up With their beloved ~ that loss is far different I think.  I do wonder.  I have experienced a handful of losses in my lifetime that still ache within and when some sensory trigger occurs and that loss becomes very Present, the tears still come.  Age is a blessing here, because time does heal.  More slowly for some over others.  I think it is most important to embrace loss, remember the best aspects of that relationship and look for those traits in the people that are still in "this room".   Or in those new friendships about to enter }!{

ღϠ₡ღ Have a Beautiful Day ღϠ₡ღ

Each of us is unique, valuable, worthy, and irreplaceable.
Each of us is kind, wise, knowing, and gifted.
Each of us is filled with dignity, gifted by humor, funded with strength.
We are met as equal. We bear gifts for each other. Our hearts are true friends, true colleagues.
We have a place with each other. We have a need for each other.
All of us seek the same answers, although we find them by different routes.
All of us hold the same questions although we express them in different ways.
Our loving hearts hold the solutions all of us seek.
This is a great blessing and indisputable fact. In loving each other, we love the world.
In loving each other, we find the world. The world we find is healed by our loving hearts.
Shared with Love ~♥~
`AnetteVictoria`·

I am going to be a first time grandmother in July, and have been quite busy knitting layette items.  WoW, I have not been here in awhile, and hard to believe I did not miss musing my mind away }!{


The Value of a Woman

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and ...they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

 Rassouli