Labor Day poem, date unknown, 2011

It takes a lot of courage
It calls for strength of mind
To make a new beginning...
And leave the past behind.

To build upon the ruins
To dream another dream
To set forth in the darkness
Towards a distant gleam.

To suffer many losses
Yet faithful to remain
To rise above disaster
And then begin again……..

by Lorna McCulloch~ Survivor ~

Well, I wrote for a long time yesterday and that will stay in Draft for awhile.  I have almost released darn near everything I can think of - what has come to the top these last 2 months, give or take a few.  I asked for a spiritual cleansing and boy did I get one.  With school done, L's wedding done, and with the intention of studying for my national cert. - I thought I would have That Done by now.  However, the cleansing must have been more important.   Many emotions have roiled up inside .  There were changes occuring while I was still in clinicals and I kept suppressing  them, as I  did not feel I had the time to deal with them.   And of course, I know that was not a good idea, I just had hoped it would not kick my bum so damn hard when I could let it out .... holy cowbells.   So glad I can write this down without having to justify or explain it to anyone.  Leaving the past behind, can be a physically exhausting challenge and is one that requires mindful and objective focus.  This is an emotional journey that can either mire a person in regret, or can allow for the release of "baggage" that is not necessary for the future journey, and certainly cramps our Now style.   This is what I have been doing, and many " moments, people, events, and places " have bubbled up and spilled out.  I know for awhile my Shug did not want to leave my feet - bless her heart, such a powerful and devoted angel my bully is!  I love her so, and she's a healer too.  My kitties walk all over me in the morning - I just wish they weighed more so they could give me a walking massage !!!  The other two furbabies just want to be love touched.  I am blessed.   Lets see - I think it unnecessary to enumerate the losses, for I believe that in losing, one actually gains. 

I watched several videos, one sent by a friend, of eagles and hawks flying unfettered - in one video, 2 gents take off to parasail about 8000 feet over the Grand Canyon, while the rider has a goody bag of raw meat for the hawk that flies to his hand, lands and eats, and then floats away  --- and this goes on and on while these 2 men are parasailing over the canyon - its simply breathtaking and poignant.  Remarkable.  I may post the link here.  My point is though, that being that free to float and soar on the winds is very much synonymous with letting go of the past and making new beginnings to set forth for the journey.  

The emotions that spring up when a certain person, whom I have yet to meet or hear, and I have contact are still present and still puzzles me - thankfully, I have worked through them enough that I can bank those coals for now.  I realize that whatever "it" is will manifest in the order of the Universe and there is not much point in my questioning what it all means.   Just let it be and let it happen.  ... rather pointless chasing wisps of smoke right now.  

I can say with the highest probability ever, that all the non familial men of my past have been released and this feels very good.   That cliche "Those from the past that did not make it to the now, are not meant to be part of the future" truly does apply.  And I finally realize too, as my daughter has so often said "I am both very very intelligent and some quite crazy too",! ~ feels pretty darn good.  She does not mean certifiable, although my kids joke about that enough!  They do mean, that my wisdom and insight For them and For others is beyond definition or description, ergo, crazy!  That my way of behaving and treating other people in my life, in public and in my family - this is Me this is Who I am and although sometimes wacky, goofy, crazy or inane, I simply Am who I am and so be it as long as no harm done !  Which I try very hard to live by.  

To be able to walk forward now, knowing that the tethers are coiled and released back to their owners, they are no longer attached to me - this is a very wonderful and very remarkable emotion and I thank my Dad very much for the directions and assistance.  I get so forgetful and sometimes miss the tree because all I can see is the forest.  Or all I see is one tree when I would get a much better picture for looking at the forest - do not be confused, there is a huge difference.  It is all about depth of perception, contrast, and focus. 

If we focus on all the wrongs from the past, we are redirecting negative energies back into ourselves.  This perpetuates a negative imbalance that can quickly become a more permanent state of existence - and this is truly Very Unhealthy.   We really should service our Souls more to the pursuit of a state of healthy attitude in the Now.  Accepting that all that we have known, done, been, seen, touched, felt, observed, assimilated in the past - all the baggage that came along with those experiences was not our baggage to bring forward.  And creating baggage when there is none is even worse.  Lighten the load and drop everyone elses, every thing elses' baggage right now.  Just do it.   There is no real benefit to having to carry anything except ourselves.    "" ~Unless we know the road we are travelling, we will not know upon which path to go ~ ""  So in walking the road we are on, this journey that is more important than any destination, we have the God given ability to choose our direction, which path we will take.   This choosing is part of the Divine lesson of past lives' karma, being paid forward, to learn these lessons now, so that karma created and released, remains here and does not become baggage ... I think I am repeating myself, as there are so many ways to explain my thoughts.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  Some would say that one must have goals, aspirations, short term destinations and long term destinations to plan and achieve.  And I feel right now, that this is not what is right for me.  I will study to pass my exam.  And I will stop questioning whether this was the right path to take.  I can make a difference in that field of laboratory science if/when there is the opportunity to do so, it will be there for me.  I am feeling very unfettered.  Wishing I could name all of whom has been released and realizing how the Universe has already received who they are.  If this could be, also true, for the boy who calls me Maa.  I ask the Divine to lighten his path, to show him his alternatives to open doors and windows, that his horizons expand and opportunities exponentially grow.  You gave us each, a second chance at life,  and I have asked before that the reasons for this Gift be available ... Universe does not always grant wishes and I understand this.  Shining the light, this is not too much to ask, so that we both see the options.  Rising above the ashes of what was the past life, I feel ready to move ahead and seek your Divine guidance, in dream state or otherwise, please shine upon the options available. 

~ Blessings Be in Light and Love ~ Namaste ~ Om Mane Padme Uhm ~

The Human Touch, 6-29-2010

Human beings could simply not exist without their sense of touch. From the moment of birth to the final moments before death, touch is a basic human need for which everyone hungers. It is a sense that shapes and moulds your personality and impacts on how you present yourself in the world. A variety of emotions and reactions are conveyed through physical touch, as varying as there are types of touch, from friendly handshakes, to an intimate embrace, to an aggressive punch. Based on the belief that energy flows between human beings, physical contact between people fulfils our fundamental desire to be connected to others.
http://psychfutures.ning.com/page/psychology-of-touch-1 

I have known this fact as truth ever since I saw the video's of the orphans of Russia crammed into too few cribs with too few nurses and attendants.  The affect on the psyche of those babies as they grew was troubling and invoked tears of sadness and sorrow.  That I could not reach through my television to comfort them was the least of my emotions at the time.  On a far more unconscious level, I think we all really know this from birth.  A brand new baby touches its mother during nursing and the babies vision at birth is the distance from the mother's face to the end of the breast!  Amazing.  As we grow, when we fall or get hurt, we turn to those we love for comfort.  As an adult living alone, I have had a lot of opportunity to consider this truth.   When I visit my grown kids who live on their own in another city, I get as many hugs as I can - storing them for my hug bank.   Thankfully, I have pets too, and they provide a lot of loving to me.  It is not the same though.  I know that I treasure my "alone time" deeply and actually, believe that I require it for my sanity.  Too much alone time though, can be detrimental.  This is how some people can really spiral into deep depression.  I have done that myself, in the past, and it really is no fun.  Thankfully, I had help in those days.  And theses days, I have coping skills that keep me on the saner side of quirky.  Once I get past this next big hurdle in my life ( my national exam ) - I Do hope that I will have at least two opportunities.  One of course is a job and preferably located back "home".  The second is that I find a man who also treasures his alone time, is kind, funny, intelligent and artsy, because I really love having lengthy discussions about "stuff" and I love going to artsy functions.  He does not need to have a PhD either - I personally believe that education is a wonderful tool for intelligence and this can be obtained either by a life very well lived and learned or a formal schooling.  I have met wonderful people who never finished schooling beyond secondary or some college.  And I have met some very boring albeit brilliant people.  What I really hope to find in this man is the touch of a lover.  That slow soft sensual touch that lingers.  The hugs that won't let go.  I crave that and cannot imagine living without for the next 50 years.  I believe he exists, the one meant for me to have in my life, sharing our later years together.  I hope we find each other soon.  That would be nice.

Sandstorm ~ Haruki Murakami ~ Kafka on the Shore, 2006

‎"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of... you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

WoW - I have been praying for the words to describe the vulnerability I have been feeling.  This was on my feed today.  I have posted earlier, that FB is my 'social network' - how I keep in touch with family, friends and like, or notsomuch like-minded individuals around the world.  It is Also my news and inspiration source.  The www: has become an amazing place, and google has made so much information accessible - IF you know the correct wording for searching, or IF you remember the exact title correctly of something you once saw, or read, or what you hope to find.

I have been in more than one of these sandstorms.  One might think One is enough.  I am not so sure.  I read somewhere, or was told by my therapist ( yes I have had a couple - who has not ? ) --- that Change occurs in our life directly because of, due to, or as a result of a Life Altering Event.  And I have had several of those!  Again, who has not ?  I do not consider myself extraordinary ( Merriam Webster )/ 1 - going beyond what is usual, customary or regular; exceptional to a very marked extent/ 2 - employed for or sent on a special function or event ...  let me get back to 2.  As to 1, I stand with my belief.  I have been told most recently, that my writings of my thoughts on certain subjects is "Great Stuff and What a mind I have, to Share"  Which I have done.  I am not accustomed to being put into a "spotlight" of sorts by doing so.  I willingly share my thoughts and beliefs about subjects , especially when I have a profoundly strong affinity for my side.  By that I mean, that most often, I am willing to hear, listen and investigate/ research, the opposing views on near any debate topic.  Maybe debate is too strong, because oftentimes I have found that debating an idea where the opinion of one side cannot possibly be wrong or right moreso than the other is not really a debate.  Hopefully it is a lively discussion.  And, I have been convinced that my opinion was outmoded or outlived, not researched well enough and have changed my mind about my position.  We are all entitled to that!  There are subjects however, in which some people are so entrenched in their position and opinion on that position, that they will deliberately refuse to entertain any notion that anyone else could possibly have as good as, or better, an opinion that contradicts their own.  So they joke about it.  Or they are rude.  Or they say "Yeah but ..."  In one of my management classes, I learned that the best way to continue a conversation is to avoid at ALL costs the word "but" - it is a mental trapdoor that slams shut the possibility that anyone will listen to anything said or, in my case, read anything written after that word.  Try writing a soliloquy without the word "but" !!!   I am digressing again.  Back to the sandstorm.  I tend to think that having an opinion and being in a lively conversation or debate about such, is much like a sandstorm.  Either one can peripherally listen or read in, and just kind of watch as if one were sitting on the sidelines at a 3 ring circus, or one can step into the storm and become part of the process of refuting all the "but"s and coming up with or presenting all the "ands" - this is the part I enjoy.  Providing as many "ands" as possible.  I often wonder how those who hold fast to their "buts" come out of that sandstorm different than when they went in.  This then leads me to #2 of Merriam-Webster.  I have often wondered, other than the spectacular miracle of being a mother of 2 lively and spirited young adults, what on earth am I here for?   I am no longer married.  As much as I adore my pets, they could equally love and give adoration to those who might adopt them if I were not here.  Had I not survived, albeit belatedly, the cardiac event of 2007, I would not have 3 of the 5 pets I do.  My bills would have been paid off by my life insurance, and any leftover monies given equally to my aforementioned miracles.  L could have paid off her college debt.  B would have, well I honestly do not know what he would have done , back then.  He has matured a lifetime in the last 4 years.  So, am I here in order to complete some kind of "special event"?  I have joked before about becoming the Ann Landers or Oprah of FB ... and I really WAS joking.  So then, this begs the question of why I am sought out.  Why I send out prayers at bedtime for those people who have needs and the next day, I find streams of information on my FB wall that jump out at me, screaming to be read.  And over and over again, I receive feedback, that that is exactly what that person or some person needed to read or see or hear that day.  It lifted them up, gave them a boost, insight or, caused them to stop and read an "interesting viewpoint" they might not have otherwise considered.  I think this is very honorable.  It humbles me.  And truly, as much as I am pleased that something I think is of value , is also considered of value by others, when really - they are not my thoughts or words but those that I just share and pass along from Gandhi, or Buddha, or the news, or whatever ... it strikes me as curious, how it is that I see this information and they do not.  And, I also smile when I see that others are joining in the communities that I glean much of this forwarded information from.  For peace and love are what really truly will mend this planet of ours.  They mend hearts, souls and minds.  They mend fences, tear down walls, build rapport and create lasting relationships.  There is so much savagery and hate in this world, so if I am sent here to spread some love and peace, for this I am truly blessed.  It does not pay the bills though !!!   And, I am finding myself at another crossroads that I am not at all inclined to move through.  Another sandstorm is following me, has been for a month now.  It is getting closer and I realize I have to enter this one, with a clear focus of what the options are and what the ramifications of my decisions, if I even make one, will be once the storm is passed.  This particular storm has left me without hunger or desire for food.  Drained of energy.  Wondering.  Searching the internet for clues and answers and not finding them.  A particular challenge that for me, as adept as I have been in the the past, is proving far more difficult than I expected.  And, I also realize that once I step out of the storm, I will wonder what was so different about this one than the ones of the past.  Each storm we step into is the mightiest one at that moment - no more nor less than the ones of the past or the ones of the future.  Wonder if I will need  a shovel ?

Responsibility

Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience yourself as cause.

It starts with the Willingness to have the experience of yourself as cause in the matter.  Responsibility is not a burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt.  All these include judgements and evaluations of good and bad, right or wrong, or better and worse.  They are Not responsibility.  They are derived from a ground of being in which Self is considered to be a thing or an object rather than context.

Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from and with the point of view, whether at the moment realized or not, that You are the source of what you are, what you do and what you have.  This point of view extends to include even what is done to you and ultimately what another does to another. 

Ultimately, responsibility is a context - a context of Self as Source - for the content, i.e. - for what is.


I struggle with this daily.  Which is why it is next to where I brush my teeth daily.  I read this everytime.  (Almost) ... I have to say, I wonder about this concept ........