Curveballs, present

Whether it's positive or negative, life "curveballs" are thrown for a reason. That's to make you aware, awaken, encourage, motivate, or shift your path into a direction that is meant for you! You may not see, or understand them at the moment they come. And, It may be tough! But reflect back on those "negative curveballs" thrown at you in the past. You'll often see that "eventually" THEY were what actually lead you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation! So relax & start the day with positive strong thoughts. Yes! You can, will, & are...going to succeed! Stay strong, have faith, & don't let curveballs affect you negatively. They can often have positive future effects. :)

Have definitely had some curveballs lately.  My former father-in-law in hospital for surgery today for 5th surgery to remove #5 and #6 cancers; 2 friends on FB ( on the husband of a former hs classmate, the other a cousin of a former hs classmate ) had grandfathers in hospital, one of whom has passed onto the other side, the other suffered congestive heart failure.  Seems curveballs in life come in three's, whereas in baseball we expect the pitcher to deliver a changeup over the plate.  Either way, we have to swing.  I think of G Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" at times like this.  Although the lyrics baseline is not similar to the situation at hand, the fact is - all prayers get answered, not always the way we humans might expect them to.  The rhythm and cycle of life dictates that once we are born, the only guarantee we have is the opposite.  Between those moments, we are to make the best of our circumstances.  I had to meet my son in town today ... he is still waiting to hear about the Army and considering his other options ( a couple of job opps. ) - and I had to pay my water bill ( they are FINALLY offering online pay ) woo hoo !!!  I also spent time at the library sending a fax and surveying their books on "art" or , more appropriately, their lack of books on art and the how to's of it all.  Digressing again ..... the curveballs in my life since graduation in June have come at times when I thought I could sit down and get into the nuts and bolts to study for my national certification.  Yes - that again.  And I guess I could wonder "why" - and that is just not in my nature.  So I write.  First daughter's wedding in July and all the efforts before and after.  Then of course, waiting on final transcripts because I had to have those before I could register for the exam anyway, having to save and scrape to get the funds to pay for the darn thing ... and here I find that I have rescheduled this test 4 times now.  Thank you to my wonderful guardian angel for the AC replacement 2 weeks ago, as the triple digit heat wave in August caused near triple digits in the house and lethargy set in.  It is Getting OUT of the doldrums that has me pickled.  I am finally nose to the grindstone so-to-speak, and Hematology is of course kicking my butt.  So I think I will switch to Blood Banking or Microbiology first - and come back to Heme.  DK from class called today, our advisor told her not to overthink on the studies - since we did so well on his test exams, just go take the darn thing - easy for him to say !!!  I do not just want to pass by the skin of my teeth - I want TO NAIL the Passing of this exam .. I wonder if that is too much to expect.  Son tells me I have got it all up there, just relax into it and take it ... 13 rejection letters does not help with the self-esteem.  All the advice in the world I give everyone else, and right now - I seriously need to inject some into myself.  Curveballs or not , we have to keep going.  There is no time out in life.  The seconds tick away, the circadian rhythms continue their march, sunset follows sunrise and on it goes like the ebb and flow of the sea.  I am finally, in my head, accepting of son's current situation as SO not mine to have to worry about or fix.  Daughter is into the groove of teaching after the summer reprieve, hard to believe this is her third year.  And the earth did not crack wide open and swallow us whole for putting their grandpa on the prayer lists on FB this time - thank heavens for Uncle B in Colorado taking the first step this time.  So glad I wrote the message I did post Adele's songs .. I am over it, I have moved on ( lordy its been 8 lonnnng years ) and I do wish them well ... now It IS My Turn and ONLY I can make it happen.  So what the heck am I waiting for ???  Not like the heavens are going to rain down all the lab science knowledge and download it overnight into my conscious mind.  So review it is, and hopefully, still some time to write.  This seems to be more the place where I can vent in obscurity than any.  Not even sure anyone reads this stuff - so its just you and me kid ( wink ) - interesting new format, not sure if I like it, the hummingbirds are nice though.  And the young couple at my feeders are still here on 1 September - that IS amazing.   I would like to find a Blog or two to follow with intelligent centrist views on what the hell our country is getting itself into though.  There is only 1 or 2 peeps on FB who even want to have an intelligent discussion, and they are rarely on anymore - so much animosity - I think some people forget that everyone has an opinion and this country is predicated on the fact that we are all entitled to being right about our own opinion - until we are proven wrong !  Only about 1500 more questions to study ... test in a couple weeks  - then maybe I can find a job and get to back to art and ocean, and certainly more curveballs.

The Human Touch, 6-29-2010

Human beings could simply not exist without their sense of touch. From the moment of birth to the final moments before death, touch is a basic human need for which everyone hungers. It is a sense that shapes and moulds your personality and impacts on how you present yourself in the world. A variety of emotions and reactions are conveyed through physical touch, as varying as there are types of touch, from friendly handshakes, to an intimate embrace, to an aggressive punch. Based on the belief that energy flows between human beings, physical contact between people fulfils our fundamental desire to be connected to others.
http://psychfutures.ning.com/page/psychology-of-touch-1 

I have known this fact as truth ever since I saw the video's of the orphans of Russia crammed into too few cribs with too few nurses and attendants.  The affect on the psyche of those babies as they grew was troubling and invoked tears of sadness and sorrow.  That I could not reach through my television to comfort them was the least of my emotions at the time.  On a far more unconscious level, I think we all really know this from birth.  A brand new baby touches its mother during nursing and the babies vision at birth is the distance from the mother's face to the end of the breast!  Amazing.  As we grow, when we fall or get hurt, we turn to those we love for comfort.  As an adult living alone, I have had a lot of opportunity to consider this truth.   When I visit my grown kids who live on their own in another city, I get as many hugs as I can - storing them for my hug bank.   Thankfully, I have pets too, and they provide a lot of loving to me.  It is not the same though.  I know that I treasure my "alone time" deeply and actually, believe that I require it for my sanity.  Too much alone time though, can be detrimental.  This is how some people can really spiral into deep depression.  I have done that myself, in the past, and it really is no fun.  Thankfully, I had help in those days.  And theses days, I have coping skills that keep me on the saner side of quirky.  Once I get past this next big hurdle in my life ( my national exam ) - I Do hope that I will have at least two opportunities.  One of course is a job and preferably located back "home".  The second is that I find a man who also treasures his alone time, is kind, funny, intelligent and artsy, because I really love having lengthy discussions about "stuff" and I love going to artsy functions.  He does not need to have a PhD either - I personally believe that education is a wonderful tool for intelligence and this can be obtained either by a life very well lived and learned or a formal schooling.  I have met wonderful people who never finished schooling beyond secondary or some college.  And I have met some very boring albeit brilliant people.  What I really hope to find in this man is the touch of a lover.  That slow soft sensual touch that lingers.  The hugs that won't let go.  I crave that and cannot imagine living without for the next 50 years.  I believe he exists, the one meant for me to have in my life, sharing our later years together.  I hope we find each other soon.  That would be nice.

Sandstorm ~ Haruki Murakami ~ Kafka on the Shore, 2006

‎"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of... you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

WoW - I have been praying for the words to describe the vulnerability I have been feeling.  This was on my feed today.  I have posted earlier, that FB is my 'social network' - how I keep in touch with family, friends and like, or notsomuch like-minded individuals around the world.  It is Also my news and inspiration source.  The www: has become an amazing place, and google has made so much information accessible - IF you know the correct wording for searching, or IF you remember the exact title correctly of something you once saw, or read, or what you hope to find.

I have been in more than one of these sandstorms.  One might think One is enough.  I am not so sure.  I read somewhere, or was told by my therapist ( yes I have had a couple - who has not ? ) --- that Change occurs in our life directly because of, due to, or as a result of a Life Altering Event.  And I have had several of those!  Again, who has not ?  I do not consider myself extraordinary ( Merriam Webster )/ 1 - going beyond what is usual, customary or regular; exceptional to a very marked extent/ 2 - employed for or sent on a special function or event ...  let me get back to 2.  As to 1, I stand with my belief.  I have been told most recently, that my writings of my thoughts on certain subjects is "Great Stuff and What a mind I have, to Share"  Which I have done.  I am not accustomed to being put into a "spotlight" of sorts by doing so.  I willingly share my thoughts and beliefs about subjects , especially when I have a profoundly strong affinity for my side.  By that I mean, that most often, I am willing to hear, listen and investigate/ research, the opposing views on near any debate topic.  Maybe debate is too strong, because oftentimes I have found that debating an idea where the opinion of one side cannot possibly be wrong or right moreso than the other is not really a debate.  Hopefully it is a lively discussion.  And, I have been convinced that my opinion was outmoded or outlived, not researched well enough and have changed my mind about my position.  We are all entitled to that!  There are subjects however, in which some people are so entrenched in their position and opinion on that position, that they will deliberately refuse to entertain any notion that anyone else could possibly have as good as, or better, an opinion that contradicts their own.  So they joke about it.  Or they are rude.  Or they say "Yeah but ..."  In one of my management classes, I learned that the best way to continue a conversation is to avoid at ALL costs the word "but" - it is a mental trapdoor that slams shut the possibility that anyone will listen to anything said or, in my case, read anything written after that word.  Try writing a soliloquy without the word "but" !!!   I am digressing again.  Back to the sandstorm.  I tend to think that having an opinion and being in a lively conversation or debate about such, is much like a sandstorm.  Either one can peripherally listen or read in, and just kind of watch as if one were sitting on the sidelines at a 3 ring circus, or one can step into the storm and become part of the process of refuting all the "but"s and coming up with or presenting all the "ands" - this is the part I enjoy.  Providing as many "ands" as possible.  I often wonder how those who hold fast to their "buts" come out of that sandstorm different than when they went in.  This then leads me to #2 of Merriam-Webster.  I have often wondered, other than the spectacular miracle of being a mother of 2 lively and spirited young adults, what on earth am I here for?   I am no longer married.  As much as I adore my pets, they could equally love and give adoration to those who might adopt them if I were not here.  Had I not survived, albeit belatedly, the cardiac event of 2007, I would not have 3 of the 5 pets I do.  My bills would have been paid off by my life insurance, and any leftover monies given equally to my aforementioned miracles.  L could have paid off her college debt.  B would have, well I honestly do not know what he would have done , back then.  He has matured a lifetime in the last 4 years.  So, am I here in order to complete some kind of "special event"?  I have joked before about becoming the Ann Landers or Oprah of FB ... and I really WAS joking.  So then, this begs the question of why I am sought out.  Why I send out prayers at bedtime for those people who have needs and the next day, I find streams of information on my FB wall that jump out at me, screaming to be read.  And over and over again, I receive feedback, that that is exactly what that person or some person needed to read or see or hear that day.  It lifted them up, gave them a boost, insight or, caused them to stop and read an "interesting viewpoint" they might not have otherwise considered.  I think this is very honorable.  It humbles me.  And truly, as much as I am pleased that something I think is of value , is also considered of value by others, when really - they are not my thoughts or words but those that I just share and pass along from Gandhi, or Buddha, or the news, or whatever ... it strikes me as curious, how it is that I see this information and they do not.  And, I also smile when I see that others are joining in the communities that I glean much of this forwarded information from.  For peace and love are what really truly will mend this planet of ours.  They mend hearts, souls and minds.  They mend fences, tear down walls, build rapport and create lasting relationships.  There is so much savagery and hate in this world, so if I am sent here to spread some love and peace, for this I am truly blessed.  It does not pay the bills though !!!   And, I am finding myself at another crossroads that I am not at all inclined to move through.  Another sandstorm is following me, has been for a month now.  It is getting closer and I realize I have to enter this one, with a clear focus of what the options are and what the ramifications of my decisions, if I even make one, will be once the storm is passed.  This particular storm has left me without hunger or desire for food.  Drained of energy.  Wondering.  Searching the internet for clues and answers and not finding them.  A particular challenge that for me, as adept as I have been in the the past, is proving far more difficult than I expected.  And, I also realize that once I step out of the storm, I will wonder what was so different about this one than the ones of the past.  Each storm we step into is the mightiest one at that moment - no more nor less than the ones of the past or the ones of the future.  Wonder if I will need  a shovel ?

Libra-Scorpio Cusp "stuff"

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an overlapping and admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, Libra, and the eighth sign of the zodiac, Scorpio.  Oy Oy Oy :(
A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existence, both past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges which cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisure time is spent and in general to a reevaluation of one’s place in the world.
The days which comprise the Libra-Scorpio cusp exemplify various aspects of Drama and Criticism, where the airy, social, theatrical Libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of the Scorpio.

Sense and Sensitivity 1 of 2 , July 5 2011

They tear up at phone commercials. They brood for days over a gentle ribbing. They know what you're feeling before you do. Their nerve cells are actually hyperreactive. Say hello to the Highly Sensitive Person—you've probably already made him/her cry. .... "Today, science is validating a group of people whose sensitivity surfaces in many domains of life. Attuned to subtleties of all kinds, they have a complex inner life and need time to process the constant flow of sensory data that is their inheritance. Some may be particularly prone to the handful of hard-to-pin-down disorders like chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Technology is now providing an especially revealing window into that which likely defines them all—a nervous system set to register stimuli at very low frequency and amplify them internally."

By Andrea Bartz

Life is difficult enough most say.  The economy, family commitments, work, school, paying the bills, keeping up with housework, finding time to just be . . . Throw in the fact that one is an HSP, or an empath, an intuitive, and one's life becomes not so much one's own anymore.  Walking into a shopping centre or mass grocery store brings on sensory overload quickly and most times harshly. The resulting fugue is dismal.  I have been asked many times why I choose to live in a secluded area.  Truthfully, there have been many reasons over the years.  What they are hardly seems relevant now, as they were once.  One truth however, continues to rear upwards, head and shoulders above the others.  It is quiet, serene, peaceful here.  It is just me and my girls.  The "noise" of the world - voices, hate, anger, fear, love, happiness, exultation, anguish, thoughts, desire - it is all left behind. I Rush Home to hear barking and mewling from the girls; the birds, deer, squirrels, wind, rain, trees.  These are natural, elemental, soothing.  They do not invade my sensitivities, but rather abide with me.  My sanity is preserved.

Sense and Sensitivity 2/2, July 5 2011

You are your own Biggest Fan !

Forgive yourself for all you ever thought was “wrong” about you. We as humans are our own worst critics. You put up with and in fact, encourage ways of speaking to yourself that most would NEVER put up with if someone else spoke to you that way. Always the first to tear down your dreams, poke a hole in your bubble of happiness, ridicule yourself for just being yourself. Give yourself a break, look at yourself with the eyes of love. Never believe for an instant you are not worthy of all your heart desires. Wrap yourself in love the same way you do your children, family members, friends and pets. Give yourself a pat on the back for all you do every day. Learn to become your own biggest fan.

October 2010

This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn about myself.  Most of the first 50 years of my life were spent making sure "everyone" else was nurtured and enriched.  We really should do the same for ourselves, especially for those of us who are alone.  Alone is good, healthy and fortifying.  It is also Not the same as lonely.   We should "Never" ever tear down a person.  If there is a behaviour that is incorrect, we address the behaviour.  I need to address my lackadaisacle housekeeping - this however, does not mean I Am insufficient.  I just have priorities not in line with most !!!  Vacuuming and dusting are chores I truly and adamantly do my very best to avoid.  However, in essence, I am a quite organized person who likes a clean environ.  I just need to love my home more. 

Whatever that one "chore" or "essence" of ourselves that, once separated from us as a person, becomes The Behaviour and is no longer "Us" --- lock, stock and barrel --- give it away ! Release, realize, rebirth, re-energize, regrow.