Curveballs, present

Whether it's positive or negative, life "curveballs" are thrown for a reason. That's to make you aware, awaken, encourage, motivate, or shift your path into a direction that is meant for you! You may not see, or understand them at the moment they come. And, It may be tough! But reflect back on those "negative curveballs" thrown at you in the past. You'll often see that "eventually" THEY were what actually lead you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation! So relax & start the day with positive strong thoughts. Yes! You can, will, & are...going to succeed! Stay strong, have faith, & don't let curveballs affect you negatively. They can often have positive future effects. :)

Have definitely had some curveballs lately.  My former father-in-law in hospital for surgery today for 5th surgery to remove #5 and #6 cancers; 2 friends on FB ( on the husband of a former hs classmate, the other a cousin of a former hs classmate ) had grandfathers in hospital, one of whom has passed onto the other side, the other suffered congestive heart failure.  Seems curveballs in life come in three's, whereas in baseball we expect the pitcher to deliver a changeup over the plate.  Either way, we have to swing.  I think of G Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" at times like this.  Although the lyrics baseline is not similar to the situation at hand, the fact is - all prayers get answered, not always the way we humans might expect them to.  The rhythm and cycle of life dictates that once we are born, the only guarantee we have is the opposite.  Between those moments, we are to make the best of our circumstances.  I had to meet my son in town today ... he is still waiting to hear about the Army and considering his other options ( a couple of job opps. ) - and I had to pay my water bill ( they are FINALLY offering online pay ) woo hoo !!!  I also spent time at the library sending a fax and surveying their books on "art" or , more appropriately, their lack of books on art and the how to's of it all.  Digressing again ..... the curveballs in my life since graduation in June have come at times when I thought I could sit down and get into the nuts and bolts to study for my national certification.  Yes - that again.  And I guess I could wonder "why" - and that is just not in my nature.  So I write.  First daughter's wedding in July and all the efforts before and after.  Then of course, waiting on final transcripts because I had to have those before I could register for the exam anyway, having to save and scrape to get the funds to pay for the darn thing ... and here I find that I have rescheduled this test 4 times now.  Thank you to my wonderful guardian angel for the AC replacement 2 weeks ago, as the triple digit heat wave in August caused near triple digits in the house and lethargy set in.  It is Getting OUT of the doldrums that has me pickled.  I am finally nose to the grindstone so-to-speak, and Hematology is of course kicking my butt.  So I think I will switch to Blood Banking or Microbiology first - and come back to Heme.  DK from class called today, our advisor told her not to overthink on the studies - since we did so well on his test exams, just go take the darn thing - easy for him to say !!!  I do not just want to pass by the skin of my teeth - I want TO NAIL the Passing of this exam .. I wonder if that is too much to expect.  Son tells me I have got it all up there, just relax into it and take it ... 13 rejection letters does not help with the self-esteem.  All the advice in the world I give everyone else, and right now - I seriously need to inject some into myself.  Curveballs or not , we have to keep going.  There is no time out in life.  The seconds tick away, the circadian rhythms continue their march, sunset follows sunrise and on it goes like the ebb and flow of the sea.  I am finally, in my head, accepting of son's current situation as SO not mine to have to worry about or fix.  Daughter is into the groove of teaching after the summer reprieve, hard to believe this is her third year.  And the earth did not crack wide open and swallow us whole for putting their grandpa on the prayer lists on FB this time - thank heavens for Uncle B in Colorado taking the first step this time.  So glad I wrote the message I did post Adele's songs .. I am over it, I have moved on ( lordy its been 8 lonnnng years ) and I do wish them well ... now It IS My Turn and ONLY I can make it happen.  So what the heck am I waiting for ???  Not like the heavens are going to rain down all the lab science knowledge and download it overnight into my conscious mind.  So review it is, and hopefully, still some time to write.  This seems to be more the place where I can vent in obscurity than any.  Not even sure anyone reads this stuff - so its just you and me kid ( wink ) - interesting new format, not sure if I like it, the hummingbirds are nice though.  And the young couple at my feeders are still here on 1 September - that IS amazing.   I would like to find a Blog or two to follow with intelligent centrist views on what the hell our country is getting itself into though.  There is only 1 or 2 peeps on FB who even want to have an intelligent discussion, and they are rarely on anymore - so much animosity - I think some people forget that everyone has an opinion and this country is predicated on the fact that we are all entitled to being right about our own opinion - until we are proven wrong !  Only about 1500 more questions to study ... test in a couple weeks  - then maybe I can find a job and get to back to art and ocean, and certainly more curveballs.

I am sorry

I wonder when these words became so difficult for so many to speak from the heart.

I remember when the very first computers ( 8088's) came out for use in the home.  I have cut my teeth on computerized pieces of equipment since I was a teen.  I realize the "kids" of today think of this technology as So integrated into what their lives are.  My children especially, having grown up in one city since they were in elementary school (they are now mid-20's), find computer tech to be secondary aspects in their relationships with their community of friends.  Oh, yes, they post occasionally on FB and rarely send an email.  More often than not they text via the telephones latest version of android or whatever.   I am not quite sure they truly understand how the computer and the internet are my lifeline.  That through this cyberspace, I connect with former classmates and make new friends along the roads of those connections.  That I am able to research items of interest or of debate with the simple click on google and a few choice words.  That I can select the music that I want to listen to because it is what I enjoy - not what is licensed to the radio station , nor what is selected by the studio to be included on a CD.   I have been using computers for 30+ years.  They are second nature to me, and for most of those 30 years - they were the foundation upon which I earned an income that provided for the raising up of my offspring.  Including giving them every opportunity I could afford them, to grow their lifeline.

I do not find it odd that I spend hours daily on here.  For one thing, I live in a remote area.  Secondly, I do not socialize within the county that I live, mainly because I know so few people and this does not constitute "home" for me.  Also, I am by physical existence, very much removed from those who are dearest to me.  My family.  A few friends.  The few activities that I enjoy with heart and soul.  That I do use the computer and internet extensively is not, in my opinion, a negative connotation to how I live and breathe.  It is my connection to the life that I voluntarily stepped out of 6 years ago, for the sake of healing.  It is also my connection to the life that I am desiring to reenter.  And in order to reenter that life, away from my current physical location, in a new and different location than I have known in the past - I must re-educate myself on the societal norms that are commonly present now. 

I chose to remove myself to heal from several major life altering events.  I am now ready to leap back into "life" and set sail on a new voyage.  I made some major mistakes in the first 45 years before getting here (6 years ago).  For those mistakes, that I deliberately made without regard to those I hold most dearest in my heart, I am so very very sorry.  I am sorry that I put others first before my own safety.  I am sorry that I put your safety at risk in believing that I might accomplish some mission grander than the sum of us all.  I am most sorry, that for reasons I will never understand, I somehow failed as a wife and also, as a mom. I also am so deeply sorry that there is so much I no longer can recall or remember.  The loss of memory, for me, is irretrievable, no matter what path I chart forward.  And guess what.  That makes me human.  That makes me less than perfect.  Those lessons are etched within me and they were part of the process I went through to become a better person.  They have become the foundation blocks upon which I make my future decisions.  And I realize I might have to say 'I am sorry' again in the future, and I pray that it is for a minor indiscretion on my part.

Please know that the love and adoration I have for all of you my extended family, is not diminished At All, by my desire to be free of my current location and set sail far far away.  It is now My turn. My second chance at this thing called life.  I have given to all of you, all of 'me' that I could give at any point along that linear path called our life together.  I am at the bend in the road - the one where I can take the path most travelled or forge my own.  History indicates I will be forging my own.  I am sorry in advance, for the tears I will shed, and the hurt I will feel, when the lines are cast off, and the bow is pointed towards the sun, the wind fills the sails, and the stern settles into her rhythm of pushing onward, right behind the rudder that is and always will be, the guidance of the Master of life.  I love you. Always.

Spring 2011

Responsibility

Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience yourself as cause.

It starts with the Willingness to have the experience of yourself as cause in the matter.  Responsibility is not a burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt.  All these include judgements and evaluations of good and bad, right or wrong, or better and worse.  They are Not responsibility.  They are derived from a ground of being in which Self is considered to be a thing or an object rather than context.

Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from and with the point of view, whether at the moment realized or not, that You are the source of what you are, what you do and what you have.  This point of view extends to include even what is done to you and ultimately what another does to another. 

Ultimately, responsibility is a context - a context of Self as Source - for the content, i.e. - for what is.


I struggle with this daily.  Which is why it is next to where I brush my teeth daily.  I read this everytime.  (Almost) ... I have to say, I wonder about this concept ........