Zen know, 15 April 2009

If we can sincerely ask ourselves, ‘What am I?’ Eventually we will run into a wall where all thinking is cut off. In our Zen Lineage we call this ‘don’t know;’ however, this state of perception is not exclusive to Zen and other traditions call this state by different names. Christians may call it Christ Consciousness, Jews may call it, YHWH, Daoists might call it the Great and Ineffable Dao, the great twentieth Century Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki Roshi called it Beginner’s Mind, consequently each path has a separate name for this one state of mind. So, Zen practice is about keeping a don’t-know mind always and everywhere.
Buddha taught that if we are ever to wake up to our own humanity it must be in this very moment. By keeping a don’t know mind when we are doing something, we can just do it. When driving, we just drive; when eating, we can just eat; when working we can just work.

Eventually our don’t know-mind will become clear. ~~ Rev. Yuánzhì Dàoqīng ~~

Okay, I admit it.  Very guilty of raising my kids to use the word "I" versus using the word "You" most specifically in debate / confrontation / stand up for yourself kinds of ways.  After all, when using the "You" in any kind of "heated discussion" , whether it be self abasement or with at least one other person or more -- it certainly creates a block in the receiver's mind and shuts down the communication loop.  The message does not get fully conveyed , or rather I should say fully received, because the receiver does not want to hear anymore with that damn guilt trip word "You" ... geessshhh. 

Without realizing this simple concept above, at least in the conscious mode of thinking in the last year or so, I have created mental blocks for myself.   I am at one of those right now.  I thought it was a crossroads and certainly it could be viewed as such.  The truth is ... taking this national certification exam is scary because the passing is paramount.  It IS the only way to get a job and keep a job along with ones performance, etc.  The fact that the baby boomers eligible to retire in laboratory sciences are NOT doing so because of the economy, and the job opps are not out there because hospitals are making do with less people ... well, that is simple economics and not anything any I or You can do about it.  So I read today the President has a plan to make retirement more cushy for the baby boomers to encourage them to get on out of that rat race called work, and go ahead and retire so that a million jobs can be created.  Please take note of the fact that 1/ there are no blue lips, nailbeds or bulging eyeballs here because 2/ "I" am not holding my breath on that one.  (see 1/ )   Simply put, I have to wonder what the hell am I doing putting myself through all this stress of a deadline to take this damn test.  Because honestly, where the hell am I going once I do ???  The housing economy is awful, starkly put - its quite darn scary.   Selling this place so I can move seems like very slim pickings.  As much as "I" want to move back to where the sun is shiny and warm, the cool ocean breezes are balmy and margaritas are plentiful ... the fact is, Selling has to come before or along with Moving.  And both have to come along or after Acquiring a Job.  Getting by on retirement annuity and alimony is not going to get my savings account growing over the next 40 years.  So this leads me back to what I posted above about the "I dont know mind" to paraphrase Buddha.  I did leave quite abit out of that transfer of post up there, such as the concept of "Do you control your thinking, or does your thinking control you"  <<< I posted that on FB , did not get many takers on it either >>> Because we are mostly happy just boot scootin' along and dotting the "i"s and crossing the "t"s in our lives ... Alarm (x), coffee (x), shower (x), breakfast (x), drive to work (x) or stay home to work (x), 8, 9, 10, 12 hour days (x), home and feed / water the pets (x), read the mail or more like rifle through it (x), make some dinner (x), if there is a significant other have some kind of discourse (x), off to bed (x) sleep to do it again in 8,6 or 4 hours ......... GAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWDD ....... Thats LIFE.  Dadgum do I really want to go back to that?  I am almost 51 - at the age where after working for 32 years ( give or take a couple months) I should think , therefore maybe I am, eligible to NOT have to go BACK to that ???  Could I possibly consider an alternative ?  Is it possible to just sell and move in a few months or so, and just live down there instead of here ?  At the very least, I would be able to go watch the sunset at the beach.  I could make my jewelry and do my artwork and maybe or maybe not sell it to the tourists ... at the very least, I would be in the same locale as my buddies from high school.  Talking to them on FB is just not the same as in person.  This is the dilemma of my "I" mind instead of having a "dont know" mind ....... I am throwing up these arguements and not getting anywhere ... my kids and my parents tell me -- I went to school, paid the tuition, studied my bum off and I should take the dang  test - it IS the finale of it all.  But then what ?   How long after I pass the test, are the results that I passed Valid ???  How long do I wait, or do I work the per diem jobs where I could be hired for a couple weeks to a couple months before I get shuffled off back home to look for another per diem.  Seriously - the health and life insurance is a moot point since I have that covered already.  Getting a 401k going again would be nice, but really ??? in this economy what is it going to make compared to a CD ??  or buying penny stock or treasury bonds < laugh track inserted here > ... Buddha save me from this merry-go-round of "I" mindedness ........... which one of these yo-yo's is the "dont know" ???

"Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last... Tomorrow is Not Promised"

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
...they serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.  And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart.  Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.  Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones.  If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart...
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again...  Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high...  Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself...
for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.  You can make of your life anything you wish.  Create your own life and then go out and live in it!
Author Anon

25 July 2010

I can honestly say, that this must have been the Karma I was born into -- I have lost track of all the times I have asked myself what on earth am I supposed to learn from This.  The truth is, we learn from everything, when we are open to receiving whatever the message is meant to be.  And that message is assimilated through our process of the event.   So if we experience a trauma, and our response is to be so negative, deny our responsibility, our culpability, and deny deny deny that any part of the experience is our "fault" - then we learn little to nothing, except maybe more negativity heaped on the compost pile of our emotions.


I am nowhere near perfect and do not pretend nor purport to be.  However, I have always had a "glass is full" attitude.  I remember so many times, being told I "was too nice, people would walk all over me, use me, abuse me, treat me like crap" ... well, the speaker did.   But that is not for here.  What I am getting at, is that I have always been one to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  To give someone enough leverage to see-saw their way into or out of my life as a friend, acquaintance, or someone who needs to keep on moving along.   From living my life this way, Yes, I have experienced a tremendous amount of pain.  I have also experienced a tremendous level of Joy.  Both levels of tremendous keep me believing that the Joy is far superior to the pain and that I would rather live in Joy, Love, Peace, Acceptance, Equilibrium, Sensory Immersion, Truth, Faith, Hope - all the positive adjectives I can apply to my state of mind and attitude about my life.  If I were to live any other way, I  may find myself sinking into a deep pit of darkness - one I have been in and do not want under any circumstance, to go back to.   The flip side of this, are those moments that transcend what experience we have control over.  Those split second moments when life stops.  The world stops spinning.  You cannot hear or think or see or reason.  You die.  Part of you is ripped out and can never be returned.  Then time begins again, the world returns to its orbit, and all the sense return with razor sharp clarity and what we take from THAT experience, I believe, is the true test of our Inner Strength.  Do we stay and fight for what is right, or do we flee in fear and find the first place to hide until the bleeding stops and the pain goes away.   Life being lived fully in the sunshine and the rain, in the light and in pain - means experiencing all the emotions and the lessons therefrom.  Hiding from life, even while going about your daily routines .. means never really truly experiencing that seesaw, and I think that is just existing and waiting for tomorrow.   Embrace every moment life sends today, Live and learn something from each moment of today.

Libra-Scorpio Cusp "stuff"

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an overlapping and admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, Libra, and the eighth sign of the zodiac, Scorpio.  Oy Oy Oy :(
A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existence, both past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges which cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisure time is spent and in general to a reevaluation of one’s place in the world.
The days which comprise the Libra-Scorpio cusp exemplify various aspects of Drama and Criticism, where the airy, social, theatrical Libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of the Scorpio.

excerpt from "The Shack" by Wm Paul Young

excerpt ... "Missy's song"

Breathe in me . . . deep
That I might breathe . . . and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give

Come kiss me, wind, and take my breathTill you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone

And no one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each other's arms
Except the One who blew the breath
That hides me safe from harm

Come kiss me, wind, and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone

In reading this book, I am re-realizing a truth that I believe in, as being a truth that Multitudes believe in.

That God is of me and for me, and by living my life celebrating and shining, loving and being as God, in this I choose to set my path.
I forgive the many that I have been afraid of or hurt by, including myself, and ask forgiveness from all that have or do feel the same by me.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, nor is it accepting.  It is an act of letting go of the harboring that stands between me and being in relationship with Universe.

November 2010

I cannot begin to comprehend losing a child after birth, when they have lived and loved you back for several years. I think that "Missy's Song" is eloquent and deep.  We all experience loss - a stillborn child, a sibling, a parent, or grand.  A dear friend, a marriage, and lately it seems for too many, home and livelihood.  It is at these darkest of times, that we are called upon to "truly know" in our heart of hearts, that loss is a given.  How we survive, thrive and move on is what is truly important after we go through the grief cycle.  What kind of person are we to become and grow into ?  Falling backwards is a common response.  However, regrouping, rewriting and stepping up and forward ... that IS the true test of our grit, our courage, our ability to conquer pain and loss and gain Love ... the Ultimate gift of Heaven.


Angel from heaven of Light so bright, watching around me to lead me aright, enfold me in thy wings and guard me with love, and softly sing songs to me from above, Amen♥

The River Why by James Duncan ?