from an article http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/hsp
On the most general of levels, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" and experience the same situations differently... and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions. When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to build a friendship.
Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends-- it's the keeping them that's the issue. This is where the "mismatched expectations" issue (almost always centered around "depth") comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.
One of the things I have learned about HSPs (both from reading, and from interaction) is that they generally tend to be rather "deep" people. Most I have met loathe "small talk" and "polite chit-chat" and would much rather go directly to a profound conversation about the meaning of life, or the origins of God. However, except for the very self-absorbed, they do also recognize the need for this "idle chatter," as a tool to create connection-- and are generally willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.
After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they start to discover that their new-found friend is really not interested in anything that extends much beyond little league baseball, Paris Hilton's latest exploits, cookie recipes and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be "more" there... as one friend said to me "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both offputting and intimidating to someone who prefers "lighter fare."
It works in reverse, too. I believe a lot of people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the less "demanding" way of living they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."
Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" The combination of soft boundaries with empathic listening seems to often combine to create a dynamic in which the HSP gradually become someone's "therapist" rather than their friend. I grant you, I am naturally predisposed to helping those with "broken wings," so I am sure that has influenced my choices-- and I know I am not alone. And yes, I realize that part of friendship is about sharing "troubles," but it soon ends up feeling like "one-way traffic," and I find myself pondering "does everyone have this much chaos and drama in their life?" And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like "take your crap and drama to someone else" (which I understand many people do quite readily) also plays into the picture.
Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. Whereas introversion should not be interpreted as "antisocial," many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are "inadequate," because they compare their circles of friends to extraverts they know, and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society...
Statistically speaking, there are simply fewer candidates who are "good friends material" for HSPs. Maybe that sounds defeatist, but the simple truth is that we all have the right to choose our friends. We also have the right to choose rewarding friendships that fit our individual needs for closeness and depth. Is it "unfair" that HSPs-- who aren't the most socially outgoing people, to begin with-- have to "work harder" to make friends? Maybe it is, but we owe it to ourselves to choose wisely, even if that means we don't get to choose very often.
Dr. Elaine Aron-- who originally identified sensitivity as a "trait," rather than a "pathology"-- is a big proponent of HSPs befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.
~~~ ♥ "The day that you learn to love all and exclude none, that is the day of your enlightenment. If you are waiting for enlightenment in your next life, then I have nothing to teach you--you can wait, but you'll be sorry. You'll come back and do the same thing all over again. Don't postpone your enlightenment. You can attain the enlightenment here and now, and the first step is positive living; learn not to be negative." ♥ ~~~
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