Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Human Touch, 6-29-2010

Human beings could simply not exist without their sense of touch. From the moment of birth to the final moments before death, touch is a basic human need for which everyone hungers. It is a sense that shapes and moulds your personality and impacts on how you present yourself in the world. A variety of emotions and reactions are conveyed through physical touch, as varying as there are types of touch, from friendly handshakes, to an intimate embrace, to an aggressive punch. Based on the belief that energy flows between human beings, physical contact between people fulfils our fundamental desire to be connected to others.
http://psychfutures.ning.com/page/psychology-of-touch-1 

I have known this fact as truth ever since I saw the video's of the orphans of Russia crammed into too few cribs with too few nurses and attendants.  The affect on the psyche of those babies as they grew was troubling and invoked tears of sadness and sorrow.  That I could not reach through my television to comfort them was the least of my emotions at the time.  On a far more unconscious level, I think we all really know this from birth.  A brand new baby touches its mother during nursing and the babies vision at birth is the distance from the mother's face to the end of the breast!  Amazing.  As we grow, when we fall or get hurt, we turn to those we love for comfort.  As an adult living alone, I have had a lot of opportunity to consider this truth.   When I visit my grown kids who live on their own in another city, I get as many hugs as I can - storing them for my hug bank.   Thankfully, I have pets too, and they provide a lot of loving to me.  It is not the same though.  I know that I treasure my "alone time" deeply and actually, believe that I require it for my sanity.  Too much alone time though, can be detrimental.  This is how some people can really spiral into deep depression.  I have done that myself, in the past, and it really is no fun.  Thankfully, I had help in those days.  And theses days, I have coping skills that keep me on the saner side of quirky.  Once I get past this next big hurdle in my life ( my national exam ) - I Do hope that I will have at least two opportunities.  One of course is a job and preferably located back "home".  The second is that I find a man who also treasures his alone time, is kind, funny, intelligent and artsy, because I really love having lengthy discussions about "stuff" and I love going to artsy functions.  He does not need to have a PhD either - I personally believe that education is a wonderful tool for intelligence and this can be obtained either by a life very well lived and learned or a formal schooling.  I have met wonderful people who never finished schooling beyond secondary or some college.  And I have met some very boring albeit brilliant people.  What I really hope to find in this man is the touch of a lover.  That slow soft sensual touch that lingers.  The hugs that won't let go.  I crave that and cannot imagine living without for the next 50 years.  I believe he exists, the one meant for me to have in my life, sharing our later years together.  I hope we find each other soon.  That would be nice.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It is never too late ... 1986

The golden moments
in the stream of life
rush past us,
and we see nothing but sand;
...
the angels come to visit us,
and we only know them when they are gone.

The only failure one should fear,
is not hugging to the purpose
they see as best.

There is no despair so absolute
as that which comes
with the first moments
of our first great sorrow,
when we have not yet known
what it is to have suffered
and be healed,
to have despaired
and have recovered hope.

Blessed is the influence
of one true, loving
human soul on another.

For what is love itself,
for the one we love best ?
An enfolding of immeasurable cares
which yet are better
than any joys outside our love.

What do we live for,
if not to make life
less difficult for each other ?

It will never rain roses:
when we want to have more roses
we must plant more trees.

It is never too late
to be
what you might have been.

~ George Eliot ~


Baby r will always be one of those singular moments of despair.  His heart beat and he moved in the womb until he did not anymore.  And then there was nothing but a dull black void. The two year old little girl toddled into view with huge brown eyes, her blond hair looking like it always needed brushing. In her green corduroy coveralls and brown leather boots, her favorite outfit, she could barely see up over the edge of the hospital mattress.  She got up on her tiptoes, like a ballet dancer and reached up with her chubby hand to grab the woman's hand laying lifeless on the bed.  The nurse started to move forward because of the IV, she was unsure of what might happen.  "Mommy ?" the toddler said so clearly, with so much fear, love and tears gathered urgently in her voice. With that one word, the black began to fade to grey.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Race Point Beach Provincetown MA Aug 13,2011

Every night and every morn,
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night,
Some are born to sweet delight.
...Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

In the universe,
there are things that are known,
and things that are unknown,
and in between,
there are doors.

He who kisses joy as it flies by
will live in eternity's sunrise.

Love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

Never seek to tell thy love;
Love that never told can be.
For the gentle wind does move silently.. invisibly.

If a thing loves, it is infinite.

~ William Blake ~

 
For me, missing the beach is a tangible emotion.  Not necessarily one that cuts like a knife or spreads butter with a spoon.  I ate watermelon for breakfast.  And as I stood looking out the window into the deep woods surrounding my back yard, my mind flew back to the yesteryears, when my grandparents had a house and boat on a canal off Stickney Pointe and the seed spitting contests Grandma always won.  I remember going deep sea fishing with Grandpa, going north on the waterway to get bait and gas, then out the pass for miles.  Learning how to scale and debone a fish.  Always, what we caught tasted so good.  And I always wanted to swim in the deep dark blue of the Gulf.  Often I did.  One time though, I was out of my clothes and ready to jump in when my dad halted me with that military tone of voice we heard when we were told NOO ( kind of a command thing ) ... of course I looked up at daddy on the bow and asked "Why" with a slight whine.  And he looked at me, winked, and said "Look over the stern - the reason is coming your way" - and the biggest hammerhead shark I have ever seen winked up at me.  It curved around both sides of grandpa's boat and stayed around for quite awhile.  I did not swim that day.  Eventually, I did learn to scuba dive - my treat in 2004/5 for many reasons.  And one certification dive off Dunedin was a compass dive.  And again, I had a shark visit - this time likely a black tip or tiger - it stayed in the peripheral edge of visibility and swam the full 360 degrees with me.  It was invigorating and just slightly annoying.  I actually wanted to get a good look at it !!!
 
One of my cert dives was out of Pompano Beach and we went to the "Zoo" - this was a location frequented by most every dive operator as the submerged ship was 85' long and a solid 90' deep.. It had become a wonderful artificial reef and lay partially on its side on a sandy bottom.  There were mantas as big as a dining room table - one in particular that liked to be tickled by having my fingers flutter under its wings.  Others would just swim around underneath us in a dance all their own, so graceful and lovely.  And the fish - almost every color - schools of them.  Wishing I had an underwater camera for that day.  I had checked my gauges and had plenty of air.  I turned to look at the stern of the ship, she was at least 3 stories tall.  I could see the rudder that had led back towards where her props may have been.  So Many Colors and so mesmerizing.  I started to swim towards the cave like belly under the listed over stern.  I was about halfway there, less than 20' to go, when all the colors shifted, and suddenly I felt someone grab my BCD !!!  I turned and it was my divemaster ( he was so adorable ) ... he gave me the NO GO signal and I asked Why?, then he pointed.  I looked back, and all those wonderful "So Many Colors" was swimming slowly around inside that cave and was the size of a minivan - W O W.  It was HUGE.   And it had a mini-me too.  My divemaster smiled and pointed at the bow and so I did what I needed to do - this was a current swim.  Down near the stern was not so bad, however, the ship had listed quite heavily in a hurricane, and had created somewhat of a ledge - with the port side having a much higher profile than the starboard, which is where we were.  Swimming starboard towards the bow was fairly easy, until the terrain rose up and then I could feel the current.  That was when I wondered why we did not do the swim first and the Zoo last ... it took 1/3 of my air just to swim against the current around the bow and back to the stern again.  Of course, we also swam through a good portion of the cabins and bulkheads too.  Then it was time to ascend, stop and decomp and get on board.  It was a gorgeous day.   I miss the ocean.  I miss diving.  I miss the sand between my toes and walking for miles on the beach letting the sound of the waves, the seagulls, terns and the wind wash my mind , heart and soul clean.  I have been refreshed and reinvigorated by the oceans' song ever since I was a tiny child on the beaches of Okinawa, Shelter Island, Jersey shore, Atlantic Beach, the waterways off the Potomac, the Atlantic from VA all the way to the Florida Keys, the Gulf, the Oceans on every side of Okinawa when I was stationed there 21 years later, the caves in North Fla and the cold springs west of G'ville

Friday, August 12, 2011

"Rolling in the Deep" songwriters Adele and Paul Richard Epworth, 2010

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine won't be shared

The scars of your love remind you of us
They keep me thinking we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
~~~~ Chorus ~~~~
And you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
~~~~ Chorus ~~~~
But you played it , played it, played it to the beat

Adele and  Daniel Dodd Wilson cowrote "Someone Like You", Adele 21

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over yet

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
~~~~ stanza omitted

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
~~~~ Chorus ~
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste

~~~~ Chorus ~~~~
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
<x2>

The past 4 years have been especially cathartic in a steamroll kind of way, the Denver way - you know - when a small snowball at the top of a really long hill starts to gain momentum as it rolls down, collecting white powder, bits of debris and getting bigger and bigger until its huge and when it gets to the finale, its explosive and causes a significant unalterable rift in time and space,
Does anyone hear the explosion of this immense accumulation of stuff that breaks away down the mountain especially if noone would be there to witness ?? I think the ripples in the time and space are felt inside on some molecular level where we are all connected - sort of like how synaptic connections are made through the mind/body on a chemical level --- a trigger occurs, the reaction begins a chain of  events, then the laws of equal and opposite reactions take place in succession until eventually there is a cataclysmic ending of ???
ohhh yes ... it definitely was F E L T
As the smile spread wide and the bright exuberant eyes held only those of the One, the disembodied detached look was unmistakeable - that look so familiar and burned into an avalanche of memories no longer raw or even ragged ... healed ? ? ?  Mostly ~  the scar tissue is tender and may not ever really get tough, how could it with all the reminders and that is quite okay
~ "no worries or cares ~ Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made ~ Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste"  
~~~~ " Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead "
" You know how the time flies ~ only yesterday was the time of our lives ~ We were born and raised in a summers haze ~ Bound by the surprise of our golden days"
 For me its finally over, and I do wish nothing but the best for you. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sandstorm ~ Haruki Murakami ~ Kafka on the Shore, 2006

‎"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of... you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."


WoW - I have been praying for the words to describe the vulnerability I have been feeling.  This was on my feed today.  I have posted earlier, that FB is my 'social network' - how I keep in touch with family, friends and like, or notsomuch like-minded individuals around the world.  It is Also my news and inspiration source.  The www: has become an amazing place, and google has made so much information accessible - IF you know the correct wording for searching, or IF you remember the exact title correctly of something you once saw, or read, or what you hope to find.

I have been in more than one of these sandstorms.  One might think One is enough.  I am not so sure.  I read somewhere, or was told by my therapist ( yes I have had a couple - who has not ? ) --- that Change occurs in our life directly because of, due to, or as a result of a Life Altering Event.  And I have had several of those!  Again, who has not ?  I do not consider myself extraordinary ( Merriam Webster )/ 1 - going beyond what is usual, customary or regular; exceptional to a very marked extent/ 2 - employed for or sent on a special function or event ...  let me get back to 2.  As to 1, I stand with my belief.  I have been told most recently, that my writings of my thoughts on certain subjects is "Great Stuff and What a mind I have, to Share"  Which I have done.  I am not accustomed to being put into a "spotlight" of sorts by doing so.  I willingly share my thoughts and beliefs about subjects , especially when I have a profoundly strong affinity for my side.  By that I mean, that most often, I am willing to hear, listen and investigate/ research, the opposing views on near any debate topic.  Maybe debate is too strong, because oftentimes I have found that debating an idea where the opinion of one side cannot possibly be wrong or right moreso than the other is not really a debate.  Hopefully it is a lively discussion.  And, I have been convinced that my opinion was outmoded or outlived, not researched well enough and have changed my mind about my position.  We are all entitled to that!  There are subjects however, in which some people are so entrenched in their position and opinion on that position, that they will deliberately refuse to entertain any notion that anyone else could possibly have as good as, or better, an opinion that contradicts their own.  So they joke about it.  Or they are rude.  Or they say "Yeah but ..."  In one of my management classes, I learned that the best way to continue a conversation is to avoid at ALL costs the word "but" - it is a mental trapdoor that slams shut the possibility that anyone will listen to anything said or, in my case, read anything written after that word.  Try writing a soliloquy without the word "but" !!!   I am digressing again.  Back to the sandstorm.  I tend to think that having an opinion and being in a lively conversation or debate about such, is much like a sandstorm.  Either one can peripherally listen or read in, and just kind of watch as if one were sitting on the sidelines at a 3 ring circus, or one can step into the storm and become part of the process of refuting all the "but"s and coming up with or presenting all the "ands" - this is the part I enjoy.  Providing as many "ands" as possible.  I often wonder how those who hold fast to their "buts" come out of that sandstorm different than when they went in.  This then leads me to #2 of Merriam-Webster.  I have often wondered, other than the spectacular miracle of being a mother of 2 lively and spirited young adults, what on earth am I here for?   I am no longer married.  As much as I adore my pets, they could equally love and give adoration to those who might adopt them if I were not here.  Had I not survived, albeit belatedly, the cardiac event of 2007, I would not have 3 of the 5 pets I do.  My bills would have been paid off by my life insurance, and any leftover monies given equally to my aforementioned miracles.  L could have paid off her college debt.  B would have, well I honestly do not know what he would have done , back then.  He has matured a lifetime in the last 4 years.  So, am I here in order to complete some kind of "special event"?  I have joked before about becoming the Ann Landers or Oprah of FB ... and I really WAS joking.  So then, this begs the question of why I am sought out.  Why I send out prayers at bedtime for those people who have needs and the next day, I find streams of information on my FB wall that jump out at me, screaming to be read.  And over and over again, I receive feedback, that that is exactly what that person or some person needed to read or see or hear that day.  It lifted them up, gave them a boost, insight or, caused them to stop and read an "interesting viewpoint" they might not have otherwise considered.  I think this is very honorable.  It humbles me.  And truly, as much as I am pleased that something I think is of value , is also considered of value by others, when really - they are not my thoughts or words but those that I just share and pass along from Gandhi, or Buddha, or the news, or whatever ... it strikes me as curious, how it is that I see this information and they do not.  And, I also smile when I see that others are joining in the communities that I glean much of this forwarded information from.  For peace and love are what really truly will mend this planet of ours.  They mend hearts, souls and minds.  They mend fences, tear down walls, build rapport and create lasting relationships.  There is so much savagery and hate in this world, so if I am sent here to spread some love and peace, for this I am truly blessed.  It does not pay the bills though !!!   And, I am finding myself at another crossroads that I am not at all inclined to move through.  Another sandstorm is following me, has been for a month now.  It is getting closer and I realize I have to enter this one, with a clear focus of what the options are and what the ramifications of my decisions, if I even make one, will be once the storm is passed.  This particular storm has left me without hunger or desire for food.  Drained of energy.  Wondering.  Searching the internet for clues and answers and not finding them.  A particular challenge that for me, as adept as I have been in the the past, is proving far more difficult than I expected.  And, I also realize that once I step out of the storm, I will wonder what was so different about this one than the ones of the past.  Each storm we step into is the mightiest one at that moment - no more nor less than the ones of the past or the ones of the future.  Wonder if I will need  a shovel ?

Friday, August 5, 2011

I am sorry

I wonder when these words became so difficult for so many to speak from the heart.

I remember when the very first computers ( 8088's) came out for use in the home.  I have cut my teeth on computerized pieces of equipment since I was a teen.  I realize the "kids" of today think of this technology as So integrated into what their lives are.  My children especially, having grown up in one city since they were in elementary school (they are now mid-20's), find computer tech to be secondary aspects in their relationships with their community of friends.  Oh, yes, they post occasionally on FB and rarely send an email.  More often than not they text via the telephones latest version of android or whatever.   I am not quite sure they truly understand how the computer and the internet are my lifeline.  That through this cyberspace, I connect with former classmates and make new friends along the roads of those connections.  That I am able to research items of interest or of debate with the simple click on google and a few choice words.  That I can select the music that I want to listen to because it is what I enjoy - not what is licensed to the radio station , nor what is selected by the studio to be included on a CD.   I have been using computers for 30+ years.  They are second nature to me, and for most of those 30 years - they were the foundation upon which I earned an income that provided for the raising up of my offspring.  Including giving them every opportunity I could afford them, to grow their lifeline.

I do not find it odd that I spend hours daily on here.  For one thing, I live in a remote area.  Secondly, I do not socialize within the county that I live, mainly because I know so few people and this does not constitute "home" for me.  Also, I am by physical existence, very much removed from those who are dearest to me.  My family.  A few friends.  The few activities that I enjoy with heart and soul.  That I do use the computer and internet extensively is not, in my opinion, a negative connotation to how I live and breathe.  It is my connection to the life that I voluntarily stepped out of 6 years ago, for the sake of healing.  It is also my connection to the life that I am desiring to reenter.  And in order to reenter that life, away from my current physical location, in a new and different location than I have known in the past - I must re-educate myself on the societal norms that are commonly present now. 

I chose to remove myself to heal from several major life altering events.  I am now ready to leap back into "life" and set sail on a new voyage.  I made some major mistakes in the first 45 years before getting here (6 years ago).  For those mistakes, that I deliberately made without regard to those I hold most dearest in my heart, I am so very very sorry.  I am sorry that I put others first before my own safety.  I am sorry that I put your safety at risk in believing that I might accomplish some mission grander than the sum of us all.  I am most sorry, that for reasons I will never understand, I somehow failed as a wife and also, as a mom. I also am so deeply sorry that there is so much I no longer can recall or remember.  The loss of memory, for me, is irretrievable, no matter what path I chart forward.  And guess what.  That makes me human.  That makes me less than perfect.  Those lessons are etched within me and they were part of the process I went through to become a better person.  They have become the foundation blocks upon which I make my future decisions.  And I realize I might have to say 'I am sorry' again in the future, and I pray that it is for a minor indiscretion on my part.

Please know that the love and adoration I have for all of you my extended family, is not diminished At All, by my desire to be free of my current location and set sail far far away.  It is now My turn. My second chance at this thing called life.  I have given to all of you, all of 'me' that I could give at any point along that linear path called our life together.  I am at the bend in the road - the one where I can take the path most travelled or forge my own.  History indicates I will be forging my own.  I am sorry in advance, for the tears I will shed, and the hurt I will feel, when the lines are cast off, and the bow is pointed towards the sun, the wind fills the sails, and the stern settles into her rhythm of pushing onward, right behind the rudder that is and always will be, the guidance of the Master of life.  I love you. Always.

Spring 2011

Monday, August 1, 2011

"Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last... Tomorrow is Not Promised"

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
...they serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.  And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart.  Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.  Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones.  If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart...
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again...  Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high...  Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself...
for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.  You can make of your life anything you wish.  Create your own life and then go out and live in it!
Author Anon
25 July 2010

I can honestly say, that this must have been the Karma I was born into -- I have lost track of all the times I have asked myself what on earth am I supposed to learn from This.  The truth is, we learn from everything, when we are open to receiving whatever the message is meant to be.  And that message is assimilated through our process of the event.   So if we experience a trauma, and our response is to be so negative, deny our responsibility, our culpability, and deny deny deny that any part of the experience is our "fault" - then we learn little to nothing, except maybe more negativity heaped on the compost pile of our emotions.


I am nowhere near perfect and do not pretend nor purport to be.  However, I have always had a "glass is full" attitude.  I remember so many times, being told I "was too nice, people would walk all over me, use me, abuse me, treat me like crap" ... well, the speaker did.   But that is not for here.  What I am getting at, is that I have always been one to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  To give someone enough leverage to see-saw their way into or out of my life as a friend, acquaintance, or someone who needs to keep on moving along.   From living my life this way, Yes, I have experienced a tremendous amount of pain.  I have also experienced a tremendous level of Joy.  Both levels of tremendous keep me believing that the Joy is far superior to the pain and that I would rather live in Joy, Love, Peace, Acceptance, Equilibrium, Sensory Immersion, Truth, Faith, Hope - all the positive adjectives I can apply to my state of mind and attitude about my life.  If I were to live any other way, I  may find myself sinking into a deep pit of darkness - one I have been in and do not want under any circumstance, to go back to.   The flip side of this, are those moments that transcend what experience we have control over.  Those split second moments when life stops.  The world stops spinning.  You cannot hear or think or see or reason.  You die.  Part of you is ripped out and can never be returned.  Then time begins again, the world returns to its orbit, and all the sense return with razor sharp clarity and what we take from THAT experience, I believe, is the true test of our Inner Strength.  Do we stay and fight for what is right, or do we flee in fear and find the first place to hide until the bleeding stops and the pain goes away.   Life being lived fully in the sunshine and the rain, in the light and in pain - means experiencing all the emotions and the lessons therefrom.  Hiding from life, even while going about your daily routines .. means never really truly experiencing that seesaw, and I think that is just existing and waiting for tomorrow.   Embrace every moment life sends today, Live and learn something from each moment of today.