I wonder when these words became so difficult for so many to speak from the heart.
I remember when the very first computers ( 8088's) came out for use in the home. I have cut my teeth on computerized pieces of equipment since I was a teen. I realize the "kids" of today think of this technology as So integrated into what their lives are. My children especially, having grown up in one city since they were in elementary school (they are now mid-20's), find computer tech to be secondary aspects in their relationships with their community of friends. Oh, yes, they post occasionally on FB and rarely send an email. More often than not they text via the telephones latest version of android or whatever. I am not quite sure they truly understand how the computer and the internet are my lifeline. That through this cyberspace, I connect with former classmates and make new friends along the roads of those connections. That I am able to research items of interest or of debate with the simple click on google and a few choice words. That I can select the music that I want to listen to because it is what I enjoy - not what is licensed to the radio station , nor what is selected by the studio to be included on a CD. I have been using computers for 30+ years. They are second nature to me, and for most of those 30 years - they were the foundation upon which I earned an income that provided for the raising up of my offspring. Including giving them every opportunity I could afford them, to grow their lifeline.
I do not find it odd that I spend hours daily on here. For one thing, I live in a remote area. Secondly, I do not socialize within the county that I live, mainly because I know so few people and this does not constitute "home" for me. Also, I am by physical existence, very much removed from those who are dearest to me. My family. A few friends. The few activities that I enjoy with heart and soul. That I do use the computer and internet extensively is not, in my opinion, a negative connotation to how I live and breathe. It is my connection to the life that I voluntarily stepped out of 6 years ago, for the sake of healing. It is also my connection to the life that I am desiring to reenter. And in order to reenter that life, away from my current physical location, in a new and different location than I have known in the past - I must re-educate myself on the societal norms that are commonly present now.
I chose to remove myself to heal from several major life altering events. I am now ready to leap back into "life" and set sail on a new voyage. I made some major mistakes in the first 45 years before getting here (6 years ago). For those mistakes, that I deliberately made without regard to those I hold most dearest in my heart, I am so very very sorry. I am sorry that I put others first before my own safety. I am sorry that I put your safety at risk in believing that I might accomplish some mission grander than the sum of us all. I am most sorry, that for reasons I will never understand, I somehow failed as a wife and also, as a mom. I also am so deeply sorry that there is so much I no longer can recall or remember. The loss of memory, for me, is irretrievable, no matter what path I chart forward. And guess what. That makes me human. That makes me less than perfect. Those lessons are etched within me and they were part of the process I went through to become a better person. They have become the foundation blocks upon which I make my future decisions. And I realize I might have to say 'I am sorry' again in the future, and I pray that it is for a minor indiscretion on my part.
Please know that the love and adoration I have for all of you my extended family, is not diminished At All, by my desire to be free of my current location and set sail far far away. It is now My turn. My second chance at this thing called life. I have given to all of you, all of 'me' that I could give at any point along that linear path called our life together. I am at the bend in the road - the one where I can take the path most travelled or forge my own. History indicates I will be forging my own. I am sorry in advance, for the tears I will shed, and the hurt I will feel, when the lines are cast off, and the bow is pointed towards the sun, the wind fills the sails, and the stern settles into her rhythm of pushing onward, right behind the rudder that is and always will be, the guidance of the Master of life. I love you. Always.
Spring 2011
