Drowning in an amber sea
Expensive love-ly whis-key
Abandonded slidin' sideways
Swimming amuk again byways
of Life without hope or, gain
Losing the battle again pain
Denying the anger in da pit
Deeper and deeper into debt
off to college one by one
packing moving on the run
blinded by an exploding bomb
Alone in fear feeling IT come
Silent in stealth slithering near
Wrapping me in a blanket clear
I could see and walk and work
Could not feel me goin bezerk
Had to let go 'n give it all up
To the stars and black sky cup
I filled the Universe with my pain
Sent all of my anger into the rain
Dug in my heels and dug m' trenches
Boulder by boulder under the branches
Comes the freedom from the past
Paying forward so Next Be Last ...
It took 4 years and 7 months to post this poem in my journal. It did not take that long to come to many conclusions about choices I had made. This poem has never been read before, except by me. I do my best to avoid alcohol. It is poison. It is addicting. It is not the IT in this poem. Alcohol and the medications I will take the rest of my life cannot co-exist, so this fight goes on. Gets easier over time. Addiction runs in my family, although some will deny that. I think with strong German, English and Scottish roots - its pretty much a no brainer.
The issue I have with addiction is not with alcohol. It is with loss. Some are addicted to the numbing affect of alcohol which then masks feelings and emotions. Some are addicted to illicit drugs or activities because they mask or hide the same. Every addiction I can think of is solely for the benefit of HIDING. From pain, anger, hurt, self-acknowledgement, self-awareness, self-humiliation, self-esteem, self ... self less, self more, self only.
We are born dependant upon another to feed and clothe us, to nurture and love us and to create within us this "need". A need to be dependant. As we grow and learn to crawl, walk, grow, become independant, off to school, drive, manage our own funds, move out and move on ... we are never really given any textbook or manual instructions on how-to "set free the dependance" we learned in infancy.
I moved to the 1000 acre woods to find and then realize that the permission to "set free" was inside me all along. We Each have the ability and the right, nee the responsibility to "set free the dependance" we nurture in our Ego. For me this dependance caused me to hold onto motherhood and nurturing so tightly it almost killed me. Hold onto the concept of what marriage was supposed to be I almost drowned in the unbearable realization that, Life changes the dynamics of paradigms on a constant basis. The shifts in time and space continuum that defines our existence are Dynamic, ever changing, constantly flowing in an chaotic sea where the seasons give way from spring to summer, to autumn and eventually to winter. This cycle continues over and over and we Must flow with it, morph and evolve in order to be Alive and Well within our Self.
Why or WHY do we insist on degrading, demoralizing, torturing, demeaning, fastidiously tearing apart our very moral compass in order to harbour these addictions. Why are we addicted ? Freedom from the addiction to money, power, control, giving love in whatever form that is ..., alchohol, drugs, sex, the need to Right, or the craving to push every single minutia detail and boundary to prove we can .....
Love and Forgive starts within. I can only Love and Forgive myself. I cannot expect this from anyone else. Nor can I "Give" this to anyone else. I can Love and Forgive myself and in doing this, I become free. Free of addictions, of ego, of all the barriers, boundaries, paradigms, parameters and definitions of what, how, who, when, why, where and for that previously chained me Unhealthy habits.
This is a struggle, a battle; in a good way ~ a constant flux of effort to evolve into the better and better that I Am, in Gods Eyes, all that He Is inside of me, becoming more and more evident and less of the dependant.
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