Beware of the helper who secretly needs you more than you need them. The one who will prop you up as an example of dysfunction, all in the hopes that noone will peek behind their human shield to see someone who is equally inadequate, needy, and afraid. This person would rather see you trip, than to have you walk away on sturdy legs and leave them standing exposed as a fraud before the world.
WoW - was SO not expecting this message today. Am I inadequate, needy and afraid ? I realize that this blog is where I download a lot of junk and the torrents of thoughts that sometimes overwhelm me, and I Do this because if I did not get it out of my head, it would continue to just roll around in there. I do not want to be dragged down by the miasma. This is why I blog. Having no precept on who reads this crap other than me. So lets examine this. I have already admitted I am scared about my future, and that I do not think I am alone in that considering the economy, the political environment and the turmoil of our "non" recession. That the rest of the world is hanging onto our every action to see how far it plunges them is no small indicator that being scared About the economic future is not self-defeating.
I thought about this last night waiting for the girls to come home. I think there are 2 kinds of fear. There is that "gut fear" that is fight or flight. The kind that initiates a cerebral response and takes over conscious thought, when one's life is in peril or, you cannot find your kid in the shopping store, or ... This kind of fear is NOT what I am referring to when I speak of Love being the antithesis to fear. This is molecular, ancient and all about survival. The fear of which I speak as being the opposite of LOVE, is that fear that nags at us from the ego state - the one that says we are not smart enough, or tall enough, or skinny enough, or heavy enough, or capable enough .... the one with the comical "angel on one shoulder, devil on the other" having the spat about which one will win in the temptation department. This is a fear of self. Self esteem, self awareness and self acceptance. Can those three be taken to the extreme where one becomes narcissistic? No I do not believe so. In all that I have studied of narcissism, that person who truly is, is really Not a happy camper. They are control freaks, full of self-loathing that is masked and hidden under a cloud of Egotism so strong that all others' worth is evaporated. Very different agenda.
Being needy and inadequate is I believe, a function of someone unable or incapable of maintaining an existence alone in this world. I think these are functions of the same #2 fear above or they are the ramifications of that fear. Not separate from , just appended to. If a person is needy and inadequate in their feelings of self-esteem or self-worth, in self-awareness and acceptance, than this person ( I think ?) would be constantly seeking those "warm fuzzies" and gratifications from others that boosts their ego, makes them feel better and more important and thus gives them a false sense of elevation. For it is very true, that as long as we are lifted up by everyone else and not by ourselves, we Will fall. Quite succinctly, we come into this world alone and we leave alone. We cannot take anyone with us when our Soul departs our physical plane and enters the other dimensions of time and space. Yes I have stated we are all part and parcel of God and it is our goal to grow and reduce Karma in order to eventually become One with Him again, however, this is not the same as living independantly and adequately, without the needy-ness of our ego. This then leads me to believe, that the message I read today is for me to keep and contemplate on about someone coming into or going out of my life.
I really do not want to be taking any trips anytime soon in this general direction. I have worked long and hard to get "here" and although I have bemoaned the fact that "here" is not "where" I ever expected to be, I must admit and champion just slightly the fact that I Do live independantly, pay all the bills, meet my physical and spiritual needs on my own, and do my best every day to not ever be a burden to someone elses' way of life, their trains of thought, or even their mad escapades. I do not ever want to be a burden period. Would I love very much to become a someone's One and Only? Someday. Meanwhile, I still want to refine my emotional ride, smooth it out a bit, fill in some of the pot holes along the way, so I am not swerving so erratically. Be nice to reuphoster the seats maybe. The point is, it TRULY is not my responsibility to be someone else's shield. My own armor and shield, sword and steed are enough for me to deal with. Wow could I segue here. Anyway - I also found this quote, which I feel is a nice finishing touch to this mornings thoughts. Fall is here. The hummingbirds need more nectar. And I think there is one more cup of coffee waiting for me ...
I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day. ~ Og Mandino
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