Friday, September 30, 2011

Osho, Clash of Thunder, #8, date unknown

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. ♥ Denis Waitley ♥

If you don’t love yourself you will never be able to love anybody else. If you are not kind to yourself you cannot be kind to anybody else. Your so-called saints who are so very hard on themselves are just pretending that they are kind to others. It is not possible. Psychologically it is impossible. If you cannot be kind to yourself, how can you be kind to
others?

Whatsoever you are with yourself you are with others. Let that be a basic dictum. If you hate yourself you will hate others — and you have been taught to hate yourself. Nobody has ever said to you, “Love yourself!”
The very idea seems absurd: loving oneself? The very idea makes no sense — loving oneself? We always think that to love one needs somebody else. But if you don’t learn it with yourself you will not be able to practise it with others.

You have been told, constantly conditioned, that you are not of any worth. From every direction you have been shown, you have been told, that you are unworthy, that you are not what you should be, that you are not accepted as you are. There are many shoulds hanging over your head, and those shoulds are almost impossible to fulfill. And when you cannot fulfill them, when you fall short, you feel condemned. A deep hatred arises in you about yourself.

How can you love others? So full of hatred, where are you going to find love? So you only pretend, you only show that you are in love. Deep down you are not in love with anybody; you cannot be. Those pretensions are good for a few days, then the color disappears, then reality asserts itself.

Every love-affair is on the rocks. Sooner or later, every love-affair becomes very poisoned. And how does it become so poisoned? Both pretend that they are loving, both go on saying that they love. The father says he loves the child; the child says he loves the father. The mother says she loves her daughter, and the daughter goes on saying the same thing. Brothers say they love each other. The whole world talks about love, sings about love...and can you find any other place so loveless? Not an iota of love exists — and there are mountains of talk, Himalayas of poetry about love.

It seems all these poetries are just compensations. Because we cannot love, we have somehow to believe through poetry, singing, that we love. What we miss in life we put in poetry. What we go on missing in life, we put in the film, in the novel. Love is absolutely absent, because the first step has not been taken yet.

The first step is: accept yourself as you are; drop all shoulds. Don’t carry any ought on your heart! You are not to be somebody else; you are not expected to do something which doesn’t belong to you. You are just to be yourself. Relax and just be yourself. Be respectful to your individuality and have the courage to sign your own signature. Don’t go on copying others signatures.

You are not expected to become a Jesus or a Buddha or a Ramakrishna; you are simply expected to become yourself. It was good that Ramakrishna never tried to become somebody else, so he became Ramakrishna. It was good that Jesus never tried to become like Abraham or Moses, so he became Jesus. It is good that Buddha never tried to become a Patanjali or Krishna; that’s why he became a Buddha.

When you are not trying to become anybody else, then you simply relax; then a grace arises. Then you are full of grandeur, splendor, harmony...because then there is no conflict! nowhere to go, nothing to fight for; nothing to force, enforce upon yourself violently. You become innocent.

In that innocence you will feel compassion and love for yourself. You will feel so happy with yourself that even if the divine comes and knocks at your door and says, “Would you like to become somebody else?” you will say, “Have you gone mad?! I am perfect! Thank you, but never try anything like that — I am perfect as I am.”

The moment you can say to existence, “I am perfect as I am, I am happy as I am, “this is what in the East we call shraddha — trust; then you have accepted yourself and in accepting yourself you have accepted your creator. Denying yourself you deny your creator.

If you go and see a painting of Picasso’s and you say, “This is wrong and that is wrong, and this color should have been this way,” you are denying Picasso. The moment you say, “I should be like this,” you are trying to improve upon existence. You are saying, “You committed blunders; I should have been like this, and you have made me like this?” You are trying to improve upon existence. It is not possible. Your struggle is in vain; you are doomed to failure.

And the more you fail, the more you hate. The more you fail, the more you feel condemned. The more you fail, the more you feel yourself impotent. And out of this hatred, impotency, how can compassion arise? Compassion arises when you are perfectly grounded in your being. You say, “Yes, this is the way I am.” You have no ideals to fulfill. And immediately fulfillment starts happening!

The roses bloom so beautifully because they are not trying to become lotuses. And the lotuses bloom so beautifully because they have not heard the legends about other flowers. Everything in nature goes so beautifully in accord, because nobody is trying to compete with anybody, nobody is trying to become anybody else. Everything is the way it is.

Just see the point! Just be yourself and remember you cannot be anything else, whatsoever you do. All effort is futile. You have to be just yourself.

There are only two ways. One is: rejecting, you can remain the same; condemning. you can remain the same; or: accepting, surrendering, enjoying, delighting, you can be the same. Your attitude can be different, but you are going to remain the way you are, the person you are. Once you accept, compassion arises. And then you start accepting others!

Have you observered: it is very difficult to live with a saint, very difficult. You can live with a sinner; you cannot live with a saint because a saint will be condemning you continuously: by his gesture, by his eyes, the way he will look at you, the way he will talk at you. A saint never talks with you; he talks at you. He never just looks at you; he has always some ideals in his eyes, clouding. He never sees you. He has something far away and he goes on comparing you with it...and, of course, you always fall short. His very look makes you a sinner. It is very difficult to live with a saint... because he does not accept himself, how can he accept you? He has many things in him. Jarring notes he feels. he has to go beyond. Of course, he sees the same things in you in a magnified way.

But to me only that person is a saint who has accepted himself, and in his acceptance has accepted the whole world. To me, that state of mind is what sainthood is: the state of total acceptance. And that is healing, therapeutic. Just being with somebody who accepts you totally is therapeutic. You will be healed.

Osho, A Sudden Clash of Thunder, Talk #8

Zen Tarot Card  The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Your complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on. No matter how fuzzy the slippers, how tasty the piƱa colada, there are skies upon skies still waiting to be explored.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Please talk to me ...

Dear Lord,
Give me a few friends
who will love me for what I am,
and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope...
And though I come not within sight
of the castle of my dreams,
teach me to be thankful for life,
and for time's olden memories
that are good and sweet.
And may the evening's twilight
find me gentle still.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRLjpXLEp1A
I remember the nights I watched as you lay sleeping
Your body gripped by some far away dream
Well I was so scared and so in love then
And so lost in all of you that I had seen
But no one ever talked in the darkness
No voice ever added fuel to the fire
No light ever shone in the doorway
Deep in the hollow of earthly desires
But if in some dream there was brightness
If in some memory some sort of sign
And flesh be revived in the shadows
Blessed our bodies would lay so entwined

I remember when you left in the morning at daybreak
So silent you stole from my bed
To go back to the one who possesses your soul
And I back to the life that I dread.
So I ran like the wind to the water
Please don't leave me again I cried
And I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was the tide...


I realize now that I have never stopped loving you.  You are the one man that has consistently stayed in my thoughts for so many years.  The one man who gave so unselfishly to me and so many many months of talking, about so much.  I wonder where in the world you went off to?  I got the empty emails from EU, UK ... and hoped you were safe and warm.  I hate the Agency that took you and at the same time, I treasure them for I know that they above all, would keep you safe.  It has been well over 5 years, so I believe it is safe enough to print this out and let you know, I have never stopped loving you.  St Simons Island will never ever be the same without you and I went back once, so very hard to do.  I still cry.  God Bless you and for you, my Irish lover ~G'y~

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Windsong

Sing a song
And for a moment
You will be visited by the wind

Sing a song
And for a moment
Dream sweetly of the wind

Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song,
they are there
However the song, my child,
will go on forever


Adele 2010

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pain 5 April 2010

Drowning in an amber sea
Expensive love-ly whis-key
Abandonded slidin' sideways
Swimming amuk again byways
of Life without hope or, gain
Losing the battle again pain

Denying the anger in da pit
Deeper and deeper into debt
off to college one by one
packing moving on the run
blinded by an exploding bomb
Alone in fear feeling IT come

Silent in stealth slithering near
Wrapping me in a blanket clear
I could see and walk and work
Could not feel me goin bezerk
Had to let go 'n give it all up
To the stars and black sky cup

I filled the Universe with my pain
Sent all of my anger into the rain
Dug in my heels and dug m' trenches
Boulder by boulder under the branches
Comes the freedom from the past
Paying forward so Next Be Last ...


It took 4 years and 7 months to post this poem in my journal.  It did not take that long to come to many conclusions about choices I had made.  This poem has never been read before, except by me.   I do my best to avoid alcohol.  It is poison.  It is addicting.  It is not the IT in this poem.  Alcohol and the medications I will take the rest of my life cannot co-exist, so this fight goes on.  Gets easier over time.  Addiction runs in my family, although some will deny that.   I think with strong German, English and Scottish roots - its pretty much a no brainer. 

The issue I have with addiction is not with alcohol.  It is with loss.  Some are addicted to the numbing affect of alcohol which then  masks feelings and emotions.  Some are addicted to illicit drugs or activities because they mask or hide the same.  Every addiction I can think of is solely for the benefit of HIDING.  From pain, anger, hurt, self-acknowledgement, self-awareness, self-humiliation, self-esteem, self ... self less, self more, self only.

We are born dependant upon another to feed and clothe us, to nurture and love us and to create within us this "need".  A need to be dependant.  As we grow and learn to crawl, walk, grow, become independant, off to school, drive, manage our own funds, move out and move on ... we are never really given any textbook or manual instructions on how-to "set free the dependance" we learned in infancy.

I moved to the 1000 acre woods to find and then realize that the permission to "set free" was inside me all along.  We Each have the ability and the right, nee the responsibility to "set free the dependance" we nurture in our Ego.   For me this dependance caused me to hold onto motherhood and nurturing so tightly it almost killed me.  Hold onto the concept of what marriage was supposed to be I almost drowned in the unbearable realization that, Life changes the dynamics of paradigms on a constant basis.   The shifts in time and space continuum that defines our existence are Dynamic, ever changing, constantly flowing in an chaotic sea where the seasons give way from spring to summer, to autumn and eventually to winter.   This cycle continues over and over and we Must flow with it, morph and evolve in order to be Alive and Well within our Self. 

Why or WHY do we insist on degrading, demoralizing, torturing, demeaning, fastidiously tearing apart our very moral compass in order to harbour these addictions.  Why are we addicted ?   Freedom from the addiction to money, power, control, giving love in whatever form that is ..., alchohol, drugs, sex, the need to Right, or the craving to push every single minutia detail and boundary to prove we can .....

Love and Forgive starts within.  I can only Love and Forgive myself.  I cannot expect this from anyone else.  Nor can I "Give" this to anyone else.  I can Love and Forgive myself and in doing this, I become free.  Free of addictions, of ego, of all the barriers, boundaries, paradigms, parameters and definitions of what, how, who, when, why, where and for that previously chained me Unhealthy habits.

This is a struggle, a battle; in a good way ~ a constant flux of effort to evolve into the better and better that I Am, in Gods Eyes, all that He Is inside of me, becoming more and more evident and less of the dependant.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

From 27 August 2010 , journal entry

Don't give your mind permission to get disturbed. A disturbed mind is easily influenced. This will cost you your peace. Learn to maintain your peace by freeing yourself from attachments. Competing or comparing yourself with others will not allow you to focus inwards. An inner focus allows you to keep your eye on your higher self. Remember your original nature. It allows you to forge a link with the Divine. Then it becomes easy to recognise useless thoughts and replace them with a spiritual perspective. A calm mind is not just peaceful, it is focused, self-directing and Divine. ~Innerspace

The way that you are going to succeed in your mission is to stop reacting to the majority and focus on your Purpose.

May you fall in love with your beauty, grace, honor, courage and strength ~

Do you procrastinate? "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." - H. Jackson Brown Jr. (Author)

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~

Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. ~ Chinese Proverb ~

If you want to be great, then YOU will have to feel great and act great. Many people think they have to seek approval. All you have to do is approve of yourself. Try it now - be great!

So simple yet so true... "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer ~

A jug fills drop by drop ~ Buddha ~


Speak properly; apologize rapidly; forgive quickly... evolve your being and inspire others! ~ my brother ~

"We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally" - The Dalai Lama


All great changes are preceded by Chaos ~*~ Deepak Chopra ~*~

Monday, September 19, 2011

Highly Sensitive, 3 years ago

from an article  http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/hsp 

On the most general of levels, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" and experience the same situations differently... and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions. When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to build a friendship.

Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends-- it's the keeping them that's the issue. This is where the "mismatched expectations" issue (almost always centered around "depth") comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.

One of the things I have learned about HSPs (both from reading, and from interaction) is that they generally tend to be rather "deep" people. Most I have met loathe "small talk" and "polite chit-chat" and would much rather go directly to a profound conversation about the meaning of life, or the origins of God. However, except for the very self-absorbed, they do also recognize the need for this "idle chatter," as a tool to create connection-- and are generally willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.
After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they start to discover that their new-found friend is really not interested in anything that extends much beyond little league baseball, Paris Hilton's latest exploits, cookie recipes and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be "more" there... as one friend said to me "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both offputting and intimidating to someone who prefers "lighter fare."

It works in reverse, too. I believe a lot of people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the less "demanding" way of living they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."

Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" The combination of soft boundaries with empathic listening seems to often combine to create a dynamic in which the HSP gradually become someone's "therapist" rather than their friend. I grant you, I am naturally predisposed to helping those with "broken wings," so I am sure that has influenced my choices-- and I know I am not alone. And yes, I realize that part of friendship is about sharing "troubles," but it soon ends up feeling like "one-way traffic," and I find myself pondering "does everyone have this much chaos and drama in their life?" And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like "take your crap and drama to someone else" (which I understand many people do quite readily) also plays into the picture.

Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. Whereas introversion should not be interpreted as "antisocial," many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are "inadequate," because they compare their circles of friends to extraverts they know, and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society...

Statistically speaking, there are simply fewer candidates who are "good friends material" for HSPs. Maybe that sounds defeatist, but the simple truth is that we all have the right to choose our friends. We also have the right to choose rewarding friendships that fit our individual needs for closeness and depth. Is it "unfair" that HSPs-- who aren't the most socially outgoing people, to begin with-- have to "work harder" to make friends? Maybe it is, but we owe it to ourselves to choose wisely, even if that means we don't get to choose very often.

Dr. Elaine Aron-- who originally identified sensitivity as a "trait," rather than a "pathology"-- is a big proponent of HSPs befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.

~~~ ♥ "The day that you learn to love all and exclude none, that is the day of your enlightenment. If you are waiting for enlightenment in your next life, then I have nothing to teach you--you can wait, but you'll be sorry. You'll come back and do the same thing all over again. Don't postpone your enlightenment. You can attain the enlightenment here and now, and the first step is positive living; learn not to be negative." ♥ ~~~

Friday, September 16, 2011

Fra Lippo Lippi ,1855, Robert Browning

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

Love is the only thing
... you get more of
by giving it away.

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings
in such a way as to complete and fulfill them,
for it alone takes them and joins them
by what is deepest in themselves.

The moment
you have in your heart
this extraordinary thing called love
and feel the depth,
the delight,
the ecstasy of it,
you will discover that for you
the world is transformed.

Love and compassion
are necessities, not luxuries.
Without them,
humanity cannot survive

Sandra Kring, 2010

Beware of the helper who secretly needs you more than you need them. The one who will prop you up as an example of dysfunction, all in the hopes that noone will peek behind their human shield to see someone who is equally inadequate, needy, and afraid. This person would rather see you trip, than to have you walk away on sturdy legs and leave them standing exposed as a fraud before the world.

WoW - was SO not expecting this message today.   Am I inadequate, needy and afraid ?   I realize that this blog is where I download a lot of junk and the torrents of thoughts that sometimes overwhelm me, and I Do this because if I did not get it out of my head, it would continue to just roll around in there.  I do not want to be dragged down by the miasma.  This is why I blog.   Having no precept on who reads this crap other than me.  So lets examine this.  I have already admitted I am scared about my future, and that I do not think I am alone in that considering the economy, the political environment and the turmoil of our "non" recession.  That the rest of the world is hanging onto our every action to see how far it plunges them is no small indicator that being scared About the economic future is not self-defeating. 

I thought about this last night waiting for the girls to come home.  I think there are 2 kinds of fear.  There is that "gut fear" that is fight or flight.  The kind that initiates a cerebral response and takes over conscious thought, when one's life is in peril or, you cannot find your kid in the shopping store, or ...   This kind of fear is NOT what I am referring to when I speak of Love being the antithesis to fear.  This is molecular, ancient and all about survival.  The fear of which I speak as being the opposite of LOVE, is that fear that nags at us from the ego state - the one that says we are not smart enough, or tall enough, or skinny enough, or heavy enough, or capable enough .... the one with the comical "angel on one shoulder, devil on the other" having the spat about which one will win in the temptation department.    This is a fear of self.  Self esteem, self awareness and self acceptance.  Can those three be taken to the extreme where one becomes narcissistic?  No I do not believe so.  In all that I have studied of narcissism, that person who truly is, is really Not a happy camper.  They are control freaks, full of self-loathing that is masked and hidden under a cloud of Egotism so strong that  all others' worth is evaporated.   Very different agenda. 

Being needy and inadequate is I believe, a function of someone unable or incapable of maintaining an existence alone in this world.  I think these are functions of the same #2 fear above or they are the ramifications of that fear.  Not separate from , just appended to.  If a person is needy and inadequate in their feelings of self-esteem or self-worth, in self-awareness and acceptance, than this person ( I think ?) would be constantly seeking those "warm fuzzies" and gratifications from others that boosts their ego, makes them feel better and more important and thus gives them a false sense of elevation.  For it is very true, that as long as we are lifted up by everyone else and not by ourselves, we Will fall.  Quite succinctly, we come into this world alone and we leave alone.  We cannot take anyone with us when our Soul departs our physical plane and enters the other dimensions of time and space.  Yes I have stated we are all part and parcel of God and it is our goal to grow and reduce Karma in order to eventually become One with Him again, however, this is not the same as living independantly and adequately, without the needy-ness of our ego.  This then leads me to believe, that the message I read today is for me to keep and contemplate on about someone coming into or going out of my life. 

I really do not want to be taking any trips anytime soon in this general direction.  I have worked long and hard to get "here" and although I have bemoaned the fact that "here" is not "where" I ever expected to be, I must admit and champion just slightly the fact that I Do live independantly, pay all the bills, meet my physical and spiritual needs on my own, and do my best every day to not ever be a burden to someone elses' way of life, their trains of thought, or even their mad escapades.  I do not ever want to be a burden period.   Would I love very much to become a someone's One and Only?  Someday.  Meanwhile, I still want to refine my emotional ride, smooth it out a bit, fill in some of the pot holes along the way, so I am not swerving so erratically.  Be nice to reuphoster the seats maybe.  The point is, it TRULY is not my responsibility to be someone else's shield.  My own armor and shield, sword and steed are enough for me to deal with.  Wow could I segue here.  Anyway - I also found this quote, which I feel is a nice finishing touch to this mornings thoughts.  Fall is here.  The hummingbirds need more nectar.  And I think there is one more cup of coffee waiting for me ...

I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day. ~ Og Mandino

Thursday, September 15, 2011

~*~ Passive Aggressive ~*~

The way to end passive aggressive behavior on your part or others’ is with complete honesty and truth in any situation.
If you’ve ever found yourself repressing your anger and behaving in other ways to get your point across, you may be someone who is adept at engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. Although passive-aggressive behavior is recognized as a psychological disorder, it also describes the behavior that many people use to cope with confrontational situations. Such behavior has the outward appearance of being peaceful, yet it is really an attempt to express oneself in seemingly passive ways—usually without accepting responsibility for doing so. For example, someone who doesn’t want to attend an event with a partner might engage in behavior that causes them to be late or miss the event without ever admitting to their partner that they never wanted to go to the function at all. Procrastination, inefficiency, stubbornness, and sullenness are some of the many ways that anger can be expressed indirectly.

It is important not to judge ourselves when we engage in passive-aggressive behavior. You may want to consider that you are not owning your feelings or your expression by indirectly expressing yourself. Perhaps you are judging your feelings and needs as wrong—which is why you are expressing yourself indirectly. You also may be worried that others will judge you for feeling the way that you do. Remember that anger and every other emotion are never good or bad. They can, however, become toxic of you don’t express them in healthy and proactive ways. When we express ourselves directly, we are more likely to be heard by the other person. It also becomes easier for us to ask for and get what we want.

Once we learn to be honest with ourselves about our feelings, we can begin to directly express ourselves to others. By learning to express ourselves directly, we prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment from cropping up in our relationships. We also learn to communicate with others in healthy and productive ways. It is never too late to start working on ourselves and our behaviors, just take it one day at a time ~*~


Wow - I have so much I could say about this one.  Remember how I wrote about "looking in the mirror" and about "projecting onto others, that which is needing attention in ourselves" ??  Welllll, I wonder.

All the training I had in psychology and management, team building, supervision of different styles, training techniques for different personalities, not to mention being an EEO counselor for an entire region for almost 2 years.  Heavens, do I ever know about passive aggressive.  I admit, that as the type of person who was constantly helping others, and the type of person who continues to try to always be available to people who need someone to listen ~ I admit there are times when I passively bail out.  Sometimes the overload is too much and I have to crawl within in order to recenter, rebalance, refocus.  I think that I might try being honest about my need to do that, as opposed to being passive.

This does remind me of several incidents in my life too, where someone I was trying desperately to reach through to or confront someone very near and dear and this type of response was illicited:

"Procrastination, inefficiency, stubbornness, and sullenness are some of the many ways that anger can be expressed indirectly"

I have to be honest here.  There are Definitely times in my life when I have procrastinated or been stubborn.  I am afterall, quite strong minded.  I wonder about the difference between the negative aspects of the Passive/Aggressive personality and the occasional passive bow out ?  I have known, at great lengths and to the deepest depths of my being, intimate relations who cannot express anger in a constructive and non-combative mode.  This is the healthy way to be angry.  And I find, that by living alone, I get to avoid the angry, sullen, stubborn of other people.  That is quite nice. 

Having dealt with this type of response does lead me down the rabbit hole.  When one person is continually acting in either a passive or aggressive modus operandi, and the other person is continually dancing to the beat that either digs in or defends, what kind of program does this create in the long term ?   What does this teach others who are coexisting in this environment ?   I believe what happens, over time, is a lopsided dance.  For us, we ended up "walking on eggshells" as the aggressive became more frequent than the passive.  Or the passive would last days or weeks following one huge bloody aggressive explosion.  And I Am confrontational.  If I am told I am wrong, or told that X is going to occur and then it does not, or, if plans are made for Both of us to participate, and then after I do, the other cancels their part.  I confront.  I do this with all the training tools I have learned.  And I realize that in living with passive/aggressive, having it constantly in my face, I did become a sullen, procrastinating kind of person in certain instances.   When one is constantly chopped down, eventually one just does not want to contribute anymore.   If everything is never right, then nothing cannot be wrong ???  Not so fast ...

I took the Walk to Emmaeus in late fall 2001.  My marriage was crumbling and I had little clues as to why.  We had been attending church and this was his idea.  He committed to it.  The wives weekend goes first and off I went.  I can honestly say that to this day, that was one of the best weekends of my life.   Not because I made permanent friends at the Table of Ruth; not because members of my church came out in support of me - some that were a surprise to see; not for any other reason than simply - God and I made contact.   I know this to the further tips of my soul.  The weekend wore me out too.  I ended up in a wheelchair being pushed by various members of my group.  How humiliating it was that I could not walk another step.  And here is where maybe the passive I learned from others comes into play.  I do not know how to sincerely accept a compliment or , in this situation, I was not sure how to acknowledge and verbally appreciate the efforts put out by others on my behalf.  That the Emmaeus community responded so quickly to my body quitting, wrapping blankets around me, getting me into a wheelchair, and pushing me around to the end.  Amazing.  That I had to stand and speak in this condition was so humbling for me.  I promised all the supporters that I would take God to school with me.  For he was an intricate and intensely fused part of me that I did not want to let go.  The God I know cannot hate or send wrath.  He does not tear apart or wreak havoc.  The God that I know and love, Loves and Forgives.  Before we even ask.  And that was what he promised me.  That as long as I continued to love and forgive, I too would be loved and forgiven in return.  I thanked the ladies from the Table of Ruth.  I know I was in tears, as were they.  I do not remember what I said, although it was received warmly.  I asked God to speak for me, to put the loving words in my voice for I was no longer even in deliberate thought.  He did.

I do know that I still believe God is woven within the very essence of who I am.  He cancelled his weekend the Friday that I left.  When I returned home Sunday evening, there was no conversation about how my weekend was, and I learned about the betrayal the following days.  In my eyes it felt like a sullen, angry, procrastination against accepting the bare bones truth of being honest with himself and with God , and in so doing, with the rest of us.  With my marriage and my friendship.  I can look back and know now, that was a huge signal.  I must have been intentioned to attend, to make that agreement with God (again)  God entered into my life when I was very very young, sending angels to me often.  I am grateful that he has been with me and forgiven me so much.  The hardest part is looking in the mirror, and avoiding the passivity of forgiving oneself.  Or looking in the mirror and aggressively being nit picky and judgemental.   This is what I am working on, I am sure now. 

I do realize that it is far easier for me to be Loving and Forgiving of everyone else than it is of myself.  And I realize that there is no excuse and no justification for this.  There is No reason for this to continue.   Why it pops up I am sure is because 1/ I am human and do have this thing called an ego and 2/ having God within me and all the way to the roots of me, does not yet make me as Loving and Forgiving of myself as God has been.   This is the Walk.  I have kept many remembrances of that weekend.  I do not attend churches anymore and when asked my reason is really quite simple.  God is with me every single day.  He is in the hummingbirds at my feeder; the soughing of the trees in the wind; the stars in the black sky at night; the sounds of the barred owls calling to their mates.  He is in the way my fur babies look at me with total and absolute love even when the food bag gets really thin.

And as crazy as it sounds, when I put out a request for assistance, the messages flow to me.  FB may have many quirks that are not so user friendly, I do think G+ has inspired some drastic changes to FB that are more beneficial now.  All the pages that I need to receive guidance from that have thousands of pictures with thousands of messages and thousands more quotes ... of the multiple thousands times at least five or ten, when I ask, the messages come.  As I interpret them.  Sometimes, I go searching for items of interest to research.  I want to do that and really, I sincerely enjoy doing this.  I feel as if I have pushed off some people and am no longer welcome.   This saddens me for the connections are strong ones.  I do not understand, other than, they came to me.  These connections all came looking for me.  I did not seek them out.  So I remain open and trusting that God will continue to work his magic, Mother Nature and the winds, trees, animals and birds and bees - they will as well.  Art and poetry , music and photos, shared prayers and sorrows, joys and plans of the morrow - will continue. 

Meanwhile I am still ~ working on myself and my behaviors, healthy and productive and directly, to avoid misunderstanding,  just taking it one day at a time.  ~*~

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Dear Mama" from "Me Against The World" Tupac 1995

ą„ Echos of the past remind you to be present now. Your life is happening right now, right here, are you there? Do not look to the past, that is gone. Do not anticipate the future, for no one is guaranteed a future. So that leaves right now, this minute. This is it. ą„

This is from several days ago, and as I have an incredible headache brewing, I cannot study right now.  I am trying so hard to apply all that advice I read and share daily.  So for right now, this is it.  Being present right now, with a migraine, and so much to say.  My best friend from middle school in Oakland Mills lives north of Atlanta and we stay in touch via email.  Finding her again after almost 40 years was a stroke of luck through FB.  She understands how I am "mommy" feeling right now, and the spiral that can put us in.  I want that to go away.  I am willing it to go.  My son dedicated a song to me, 15 yr anniversary of Tupac.  Not every line is "true" but God knows what IS ... and this song is definitely my Son and I:

~*~
When I was young me and my mama had beef
Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets
Though back at the time, I never thought I'd see her face
Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place
Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool
with the big boys, breakin all the rules
I shed tears with my baby sister
Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids
And even though we had different daddy's, the same drama
When things went wrong we'd blame mama
I reminice on the stress I caused, it was hell
Huggin on my mama from a jail cell
And who'd think in elementary?
Heeey! I see the penitentiary, one day
And runnin from the police, that's right
Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside
And even as a crack fiend, mama
You always was a black queen, mama
I finally understand
for a woman it ain't easy tryin to raise a man
You always was committed
A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it
There's no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

*
Chorus: Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?

*
Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along
I was lookin for a father he was gone
I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs
They showed a young brother love
I moved out and started really hangin
I needed money of my own so I started slangin
I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks

It feels good puttin money in your mailbox
I love payin rent when the rent's due
I hope ya got the diamond necklace that I sent to you
Cause when I was low you was there for me
And never left me alone because you cared for me
And I could see you comin home after work late
You're in the kitchen tryin to fix us a hot plate
Ya just workin with the scraps you was given
And mama made miracles every Thanksgivin
But now the road got rough, you're alone
You're tryin to raise two bad kids on your own
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus]


Pour out some liquor and I reminsce, cause through the drama
I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I'm hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus]

Sweet lady
And dear mama

Dear mama
Lady [3X]

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
e. e. cummings
 

We have come a long way Boo - and thank you for the "shout out" and telling the world . I will always love you both, to the bone. Create your future now while I create mine. Maa

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Be Impeccable with Your Word , 20 May 2010

Right now, you’re delivering a message to yourself and to everyone around you. You’re always delivering a message, and you’re always receiving a message from one mind to another mind. What is the message that you are delivering in this world? Is the message impeccable? Just observe the messages that you deliver. Are the words that you’re speaking coming from the truth, or are they coming from the voice of knowledge, the tyrant, the big judge? Who’s delivering the message? Is it the real you? ~Don Miguel Ruiz~  1997
I am one of those types of people who grew up reading voraciously and having had an English major in my mother, how we spoke grammatically, how we enunciated; the verbs, adjectives and nouns we used, well, it felt like we were always in school !  Needless to say, I have had so many opportunities in my life to learn that HOW we speak to another person and how we write a message that is either private or public, must be very precise.  I once was on the rise towards a strong managerial position in my former career.  This meant taking a slew of continuing education classes in behaviour, supervision, management, and more.  Looking back, I am very grateful I had those opportunities and also wish all those hours could have been applied to college credits.  Having retired earlier than expected, I did not get to use all that education in my professional career - I DID get to put all that education to work in the raising of my children, and in my many personal lives in the real world.   Sometimes it catches me by surprise when what I write gets misinterpreted.   And I have to remind myself, that the sender of the message and the message itself, are ONLY as well intended, as the receiver who reads and interprets the message.  Thus the flow of conversation between people that goes back and forth.  In a place such as this, where I write my thoughts, sometimes typing so fast to get as much of my thought down and out of my head, there is no feedback on whether or not the message I intended to get across , actually was received in the same manner as it was sent.  In obscurity, without comments or discussions about the content of this blog - I can only hope that whoever does read these missives, might take the time therefore, to Not Use Filters of their own personal experience or from their own database, and try to - as Objectively as Possible, simply R E A D what is written, and try not to read to deeply.  I certainly provide enough of the deepend by expounding proliferatively.   To that end, Don Miguel Ruiz, does provide some very good instructions on how to write, how to transmit and how to receive, any messages.  I think I will look for another of his to post here - his 5 Truths ... well maybe 4 to start, I now he issued a 5th:
Be Impeccable with Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

A Mandala:


Someday I hope to watch the Tibetan monks write a mandala with colored sands - they are so intricate, and then they take the mandala to the ocean and in washing the mandala out to sea, all the wishes, hopes and prayers are sent to Heaven by way of the currents of time, for attention from the Universe.

Last night I had a lengthy healing discussion with my dad, after wishing him a Happy Birthday.  And I realized, through his coaching, that I have been sending myself some unhealthy messages.  I have been experiencing fear and the realization that the dreams or hopes that I had harbored as a child of what my life would be like at this stage are so shattered as to be unrecognizable.  AND that this does not mean that I have failed.  This does not mean that I somehow threw my life away because of past decisions.  Our life is exactly what we make of it every time an opportunity knocks on our door.  And the choices we make every time we open each door are ours to own.  We own it, we speak it, we live it.  And we must be honest about our decisions.  We must not lie, cheat, steal, beg or borrow license from anyone else in owning our choices.   Last night I realized that I had projected onto someone I love dearly and who made a choice that limits some future options as opposed to other options - my own feelings of powerlessness and disappointment.  I asked him to forgive me and I hope he does.  As I approach 51, I realize, actually it has been rolling around in my head, and I did not want to really "write it down" which would make it "truth" ... that I am so frustrated that I still have to work for another 20 years or so.  After putting in my 30 years, I was feeling disappointed that I do not get to retire now and live each day as I would please.  The simplicity of what my father said does not escape me.  From his side of the family, all my ancestors worked the land as farmers of vast acres of pear and apple orchards, creating new and unique ways to make their living easier, or in factory careers until they could not continue to do so.  There was no such thing as retirement.  There are, to their credit - many inventions from my dad's side of the family, still in use today.  The same is not so true on my mothers side of the family and that is more due to the ancestors being more in the thinking game of life.  Teachers, lawyers, scientists etc. who worked for corporations big and small and at a certain age, retired and began their second lives travelling and enjoying grandparenting and all that.  That I have always wanted to be a traveller is in no small way a huge credit to the stories I have heard from both sides of my ancestral lineage and also to the wonderful stories I would Read of voyagers and travellers who Saw the World !  As dad pointed out, science is making great strides in expanding our lives healthfully, and working another 20 years does not preclude that I may one day be able to do the same and see my ancestral homelands.  Meanwhile, there is nothing standing in my way of short trips to look for seashells along the seashore, while I make the monies I will need to support my own retirement, in another 20 years or, whatever may become the new minimum age to do so.  To Get There, I have to rewrite the program in my head and wash away to the currents of time, this outmoded thought process, that I "could" have gotten here after 30 years and earned the right to stop and smell the roses.  For there is nothing preventing me from smelling the roses every day, while I continue to work, as my ancestors have done for hundreds of years.  Times have changed.  My life took drastic changes in the direction it went.  I must be more flexible and make the changes in my attitude about MY future and go about creatiang it.  Very sobering and very emotional conversation.  It is rather petty to want to be someone else.  The reality is, that I want to be the very best ME that I can be, and right now, that includes continuing to work so that I can LIVE my life rather than simply Existing from month to month scraping by.    Here is another wonderful quote to end this missive with. 

Great minds discuss ideas,average minds discuss events,small minds discuss people.
~ Hyman Rickover~


I really want to stick with the first, sometimes maybe the second and avoid the last !  Hugs,

  

Monday, September 12, 2011

So you can walk on water ? ~ Khalil Gibran ~

~You are no better than a twig floating on a puddle.
~You can fly through the air ?
~You are no better than this gnat buzzing around my head.
Master your own heart then maybe you can be somebody.
*
The earth on which we live silently
~remembers the catastrophes of our history;
~but if we listen to the silence of the earth
~it will remind us of the fate of those who lived before us,
~and from whose suffering we may yet learn.
*
History is dedicated to those who went before us,
~so that, upon reflection, we can learn from them,
~without repeating their mistakes,
~experiencing or inflicting their pain.
*
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Life must be understood backward.
~But it must be lived forward.
*
Act mindfully.
~Accept entirely.
~Move strongly.
~Think softly.
~Speak beautifully.
~Live simply.
~Love completely.
*
Believe in a love that is being
~stored up for you like an inheritance
~and trust that in this love
~there is a strength and a blessing,
~out beyond which you do not have to step
~in order to go very far.
*
The gift is Not how much you ARE loved,
~the gift is how much you are ABLE TO love.
*
Every new beginning
~comes
~from some other beginning's end.
*
Let your Life lightly dance
~on the edges of time
~like dew on the tip of a leaf.
~*~

The Day the Earth Stood Still and all the People of the Earth Cried for America and for those from 80 other Countries who also died with our Own - has come and gone.  I breathe a silent sigh of relief that no catastrophe occurred again.  I know it is silly to be superstitious and at the same time I think it would be very unhealthy not to be cautious.   Even though the House of Saud is no longer the Ruling Authority , I do believe that there are many who wish to revenge the death of the man most hated and most sought by our Country for so many decades.  I thank God daily for our courageous and loyal dedicated servicemen who took him out of this lifetime.  I also believe in a special kind of Hell for the likes of Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, dictators, extreme regime leaders, Hussein and Bin Laden.  Serial killers et al.   I needed no excuse in my book to go after them.  Now that these last two are out of the way, much of the steam from their train may be missing and we should pull back and bring our men and women home to their families and start working on the security of our homeland. 

We really should be working on our infrastructure, rebuilding our interstates, refilling our firestations and our law enforcement ranks, bringing back fine teachers into our schools and retraining parents on How to Parent responsibly and effectively - so that the children of today do not "feel entitled" and learn that for their actions there are consequences.   My own son has learned this only too well in these last 8 years and I cry with hurt, shame and at a sense of loss so profound that I have yet to find the words to even voice my pain and disbelief at all that he has done wrong.  I raised them both the same way.  The same rules, the same principles, the same disciplines, the same schools, the same functions.  It would be so easy to blame the physical violence he endured that his sister did not.  The emotional torture in front of his peers that she did not.  To be a young lad and to be shamed and sacrificed as the son of the coach - for actions that were not of his doing, to take it for the team - what does that teach a young mind that is in the adolescent stages of growth, definition and refinement.  To be abandoned over and over, kicked to the curb worse than a dog while his sister took refuge in her bedroom or at her job.  Maybe there is rhyme or reason in this. 

I do not know.  And I cannot pinpoint when or what changed the course of his character that would lead him down the road of breaking laws and laughing at the sky.  For hating so deeply and rebelling so viciously.   We all have our own private hell, and I can only imagine what each of theirs must be like.  I know only too well what mine feels like.   I will always wonder what I could have possibly done differently.

 " Life must be understood backward, But Life must be lived forward"

To truly understand and comprehend this one statement is my goal right now.  I struggle against the tears daily for as much as I am proud of both of them and as much as I realize I am no longer the One in charge of making sure their lives turn out to be the very best that they can live it to be, I also am deeply hurt and puzzled.   Maybe the wild kingdom really does have it right and maybe we humans got it wrong somewhere along the way.  Raise them up teaching them the very basics of survival, then cut them loose and walk away.  Never look back for they are on their own.  And what happens to them is part of the Circle of Life.  It seems like a cruel and callous way to treat another human being, especially when that being lived inside one's own womb for so long and the bonds were so strong before birth.  I loved each of them as deeply as I could.  I punished their behaviour when they misbehaved.  I cuddled them when they were scared; patched them up when they were hurt; listened to their sorrows, their stories, their dreams, their hopes and their fears.  I was present in their lives by giving up my own ambitions and my own dreams, I dedicated my life to theirs as fully as I could. 

And I cannot walk on water, I Am but a twig floating on a puddle and I am no better than a gnat buzzing around their heads.  I am after all just as human as all the humans that created history before me.  At the core of my existence, there can be much pain in my  growing up years.  I could be angry or resentful about many occasions when life "did not seem fair".  The many years when my bedroom was no bigger than a closet or Was the laundry room.  When all I had were books and my brothers had at least each other.  When they got clothes from the store and I wore clothes sewn at home.  Looking back, mom did make some pretty snazzy dresses.  They looked just as good as the store bought of the other girls.  That did not mitigate all the ugliness towards me while at school.  Learning early on that intelligence did not make friends. Trying to love everyone for who they were did not keep friends.  It still does not and thankfully, it no longer matters.  For I have learned many lessons growing up as I did.   That Love really does heal many wounds.  Love comes in many disguises and rank and file.  

The practice of Unconditional Love
starts with the full acceptance of ourselveves,
just as we are

And that being able to Love someone matters More than how much you love them.  This is the Key.  The being able to.  Being open and willing to.  Accepting someones' faults as being a part of who they are and loving them anyway.  That this lesson is not always known or reciprocated is a harsh reality of this human life.  The wild kingdom got this one right.  Love them completely and fully and then out the nest they go to love somewhere else.  If there is imperfection or frailty, kill it.  We do not do this in the human world and this makes us humane.  Instead we beat it up, make fun of it, taunt and malign, tear apart and try to destroy that which either IS imperfect or makes a person Feel imperfect.  

This is where we as humans have much to learn about history.  For it is in this lesson, that we have so much need of change.   In looking in the mirror, what do we really see.  Do we really see Love or do we see what we Think the rest of the world sees.  Does it matter?  It would seem it does.  Many have not learned that it really does not matter what the world sees.  It truly Does matter what each sees in the mirror.  If we Cannot Love ourselves exactly as we are, imperfections and abundance and all ... then how can we step out into the world and Love others? 

The strength and blessings that come from loving ourselves as being created equally correct by the Divine, gives us the strength and the blessing to love others the same as we love ourselves.  I am speaking of love from the heart and soul.  Not of the body.  The love of all that is created in the likeness of the Divine in each of us.  From this love, the attribute of Forgiveness flows.  From forgiveness flowing, then we might see the changes in the history that we are creating.   Because Love and Forgiveness is not just for the weak and imperfect, it is also for the strong and the brave, the fierce and the mad.  

In this, I find the dichotomy of being human, rather than of the wild kingdom.  For in the wild kingdom, the one who would be a dictator and act only for selfish gain, is quickly cast off to die alone in solitary existence.  In the human kingdom, doing this would be considered cruel and inhumane.  So how inhumane is it to slaughter thousands or millions because of their differences when this is not from Love and Forgiveness?  How inhumane is it to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally destroy your very own offspring or loved ones out of a lack of Love and Forgiveness for Oneself.  How inhumane is it to keep oneself locked in an ivory tower and storing riches and foods and wealth beyond measure, when ones kingdom is ragged, poor and of illness so terrible it lays waste all the living?   How inhumane is it to be so rich, one does not see the rest of humankind so poorly destitute.

Siddhartha learned this when he scaled the walls of his father's palace.  And he gave up all of his inheritance to walk the earth and become enlightened, one of total Peace.  Gandhi and  MLK Jr. lived the concept of civil disobedience or NonViolence to bring about changes in civil rights and freedoms in the treatment of the "different ones" ( in these cases minorities and women, or those of lesser caste systems ) The point being, that history is not only filled with those that Hated, it is replete with those who Loved and Forgave.  Who in giving up everything and everyone they gave Themselves to prove that Love and Forgiveness creates Change.  For the better.   There is an ending of one way to enable the beginning of a new way.  It is very near at hand.  I hope to lightly dance on the edge of time.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

STICKS AND STONES: 6 September - 11 October 2010

I am in complete possession of my personal worth and I know my own worth. It is mine to own, to protect and to increase. I am important. I am valuable. I am special.

When someone treats me as if I am unimportant, I will know absolutely that I am still as important, regardless of their thoughtless treatment. When someone speaks to me as if I am not valuable, I will know with certainty that my value is not diminished by their careless words. When someone acts as if I am not special, I will know without a doubt that no one's callous actions can rob me of my specialness.

No one can steal my worth or take from it. No one can make me feel any less than I know that I am. When I feel hurt by the words or actions of another, I will remember that my worth is not made or added to by any other person. No one's hurtful sticks can scratch me. No one can hurt me unless I allow them to hurt me. No one's stones can harm me. I will remain untouched. When another treats me in a way that is not true to what and who I am, the problem does not lie with me, but rather, it lies with the other person. The problem lies with me only when I am affected by the sticks and the stones and the person attacking me and my worth.

I will always remember that I am in complete possession of my personal worth and I know my own worth. No one will cause my worth to descend. My worth and I continue to ascend. I will not bow. Always, I rise. I am important. I am valuable. And I am special. ~ ~WayPoints by Karen Burch~~

Worth is a funny thing to define.   From the Free Dictionary online:
n.
1. The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable: the worth of higher education.
2. Material or market value: stocks having a worth of ten million dollars.
3. A quantity of something that may be purchased for a specified sum or by a specified means: ten dollars' worth of natural gas; wanted their money's worth.
4. Wealth; riches: her net worth.
5. Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit: a person of great worth.

adj.
1. Equal in value to something specified: worth its weight in gold.
2. Deserving of; meriting: a proposal not worth consideration.
3. Having wealth or riches amounting to: a person worth millions.
Only one of the above considers Worth to be something not specifically related to a material possession.  Well maybe one of each - Noun #5 and Adj #2.  So I will only speak of these, as for material possessions aka monetary value, I do not consider myself worthy in that regard.  What little monetary value I have would only be of liquid value were I to cease existing.  And there might be enough for a decent funeral as opposed to a pine box.  Not being maudlin, it is what it is.  I live a very frugal life purposely and be default.
So in Quality that demands esteem or respect; merit.  My worth lies in being highly intelligent and quite capable of dissecting an issue and discussing the pros and cons of one.  I need not be highly trained in a particular issue to be able to do so.  Obviously the more training one has, the more in depth one can be in the dissection.  For instance, brain surgery.  I could do quite a bit of research and discuss the pros and cons of the subject and even some of the steps to get there.  Not being trained to be a brain surgeon, I can only get to a certain point and then lack of experience leaves me unable to go further.  Just how delicate does ones' touch need to be.  At what microscopic depth does one perform one sectioning versus another.  And just How do they repair nerve endings - this baffles me and leaves me in great awe of those who perform these functions as I know without question how important these nerve connections are.  My life has become defined by neural connections and the neural dysfunction of FM. 
That I ponder issues and research various avenues to become more informed and educated to some extent about a wide variety of concepts is a task I put myself through to keep my mind sharp.  My intellect and my ability to function on a day by day basis and remember both rudimentary and finer details in order to live independant of a detailed enumerated checklist so I do not forget certain aspects of my daily life - this has been a goal for many years.  I have gotten to the point that I really dislike checklists.  I totally get their value when one is dismantling something mechanical.   Or if one has to follow a checklist in the workplace in order to complete a task.  This to me is quite different than having one that tells me which pills to take at what time, what to eat at specific times of the day, etc.  Of late, however, I am reconsidering the merits of having such a list, as I have been rather bad about following the mental list.  Another conundrum.   I think merit here, in a quality that demands respect - is something given externally.  I realize that I could, for instance, quantify this as being a solid 100 or a 4.0 or an IQ of 164 or an absolute value of something close to pretty grand.  I do not think I would want to quantify this.  I know how smart I am.  I know that I amaze myself often by remembering and knowing in a way that assists others. 
Taking this further is where I really want to have that merit.  I am gifted with a sight or vision that is beyond the normal sensory type.  And here is where I prefer to dwell, although, not the best place to be while driving on the interstate.  To see the need of another who has pain, has a question of their own, has a task or barrier in front of them and they seek guidance or assistance.  Sometimes they may not ask.  Sometimes I am rather blunt when I really should just stay out of it altogether.  When I am asked and when I do assist is when I feel most comfortable.  When my gift of sight beyond seeing, when I go into the future or out of the paradigm of that moment.  This is what I love about me.  Being able to show others an avenue, a value, an option, an arguement, a detail, a risk or reward - that might not be intellectually, or visibly, or emotionally known to them - I really dig that.   Sometimes this causes consternation.  Often I see a result or an option, a choice or the consequence of choices coming into a persons life by the way in which they have consistently lived previously, and it is not always prudent to share this information.  
Many people do not understand how this gift of mine works, and really I have barely described it.  I call it being an empath.  Highly sensitive to the multiple dimensions in time and space that surround us at any given moment.  Knowing that this field can be changed inexplicably by a thought, word or deed makes what one says and does quite tenuous.  Very fibrous.  Like the silk of a spider web.  This quality comes with a great deal of responsibility and for many years I was unwilling to have that.  Knowing ahead, seeing ahead, seeing the unseen, reading the future options, reading other people, understanding and comprehending and acting upon the empath of these alternates, has brought great joy, sorrow and also profound pain.  Not everyone accepts that this ability is a gift of great worth.  Some view it as a curse.  What is the worth of a curse? 
In light of my desire to bless all and harm none, having harm turned against or upon me from someone elses place of fear or hate is a very difficult challenge, requiring that I somehow deflect that negativity or recreate it as a positivity.  This is the work that requires a great deal of mental challenge and can really sap me.   This then is where the Adjective of deserving and meriting come into play.  From my perspective, I was gifted with this ultra sense from which I have obtained or gained a great deal of joy and learned from the depths of sorrow how to fine tune and ascribe this gift in ways less deleterious to myself and certainly to others.   This is not always an action that is within my purvue however.  There have been times when I have not been aware of what was coming at me.  There are blindspots and learning how to dissolve these blind spots, sometimes has meant having to locate them in the worse possible way.  
I remember one time, in a hand healing, I entered into the other persons reality and found myself in a very tangled web.  This person was struggling with many decisions and choices and could have easily untangled himself.  At the center and deep below this initial tangle though I came upon a black abyss and I felt a very strong pulling into this black hole.  Much like it must be like in space.  I could not "see" or "feel" what was within and was unwilling to venture further.  In pulling out and extricating from this persons reality, I learned that he was quite happy I had found this black abyss and giddy about my reluctance to enter there.  He called this his hell.  I guess he had been in and not sure what he brought  back with him.  My mentor says I could very well have entered and still kept the white light shielding me.  There is no Real harm in entering someone else's reality as long as we keep our Self centered,shielded and balanced.  At the time then, I was not comfortable enough to go there. 
I have since gone into others and it is interesting because the rules change in these black holes.  This might be why I am so intrigued by what NASA is learning about the black holes in the Universe, as I believe strongly there is a direct correlation.  Each of us being a microUniverse anyway, there is no other explanation I can come up with.  We can change the time and space continuum that we exist in and we Can see the multiple paths simultaneously and some of the immediate results of the decisions we make, even if not the longer distance results.  This is what can bog me down.  And thankfully, I found a message yesterday that helped me straighten this out in sleep state last night.  Focusing on just one of these paths, rather than several simultaneously is actually going to take quite a bit of effort.  One can become so adept at multi-tasking, that singularity is more of a challenge.  I do acknowledge the effort will definitely have reward and merit.  I have Got to have more patience and this is difficult. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Moral Buddhist, 6-12-2009

The Moral Code of Buddhism: The Five Precepts
Buddhism is not just a religion, but also a discipline and a way of life that encourages people to follow certain guidelines to help them conquer suffering. Buddha’s teachings are about being peaceful, righteous and thoughtful. The Five Precepts of Buddhism are actually the gist of the teachings and a moral guideline that people can follow. These precepts, if followed, can help people to build up their moral strength and live peacefully with their fellow beings.Buddha
Refrain from killing: This teaching is about being non-violent. To live peacefully and harmoniously with and respect others, living beings must not be killed. Approval of killing by others and participation in killing is also considered wrong. This precept is about protecting lives and cultivating an innate kindness towards other beings. Since this teaching advocates non-violence, it also urges people to be vegetarians.
Refrain from stealing: This precept is about respecting other people’s properties and not taking it by stealing or by force. If something hasn’t been given to you, then you have no right to it. Stealing not only applies to material goods, but also to time and effort. You should be responsible and not fritter away someone else’s (e.g., an employer’s) time. This precept also urges people to be generous, kind, sympathetic and respectful to everyone.
Refrain from sexual misconduct: According to the teachings of Buddhism, sexual desire is one of the biggest hurdles to enlightenment and one of the most difficult temptations to overcome. Sexual misconduct like adultery and rape, which cause mental, emotional and physical injury to others, are absolutely forbidden. This precept, like all Buddha’s teachings, urges people to respect others by abstaining from sexual misconduct.
Refrain from lying: Respecting the truth is one of the most important principles of Buddhism. Denying the truth is actually lying, which can create guilt, confusion and disharmony. Buddhists are also asked to keep away from half-truths, exaggeration or understatements and, instead, work on being honest. It is believed that being completely honest with oneself and others will reduce disharmony and misunderstandings in the world.
Refrain from drugs and alcohol: Buddhism places a lot of importance on wisdom. Consuming intoxicants like alcohol and drugs can erode that wisdom and these are also harmful for health. A state of intoxication increases the chances of committing crimes and wrongdoing. It is easier to commit evil deeds or injure others when people are drunk or drugged. It is believed that anyone who breaks this precept will actually be dishonoring all the other precepts.
This precept is about respecting one’s mental health and not relinquishing control of one’s mind. Meditation is important to become more aware and attentive and only a calm mind can meditate. People who observe this precept will lead happy lives.
These practical precepts can be practiced not only by Buddhists, but by anyone who wishes to lead a happy, simple and honest life 

http://www.buddhagroove.net  this link will take one to the one source I go to often.

random thoughts:

Human's moral compass
doesn't work yet in worlds
where the instinct navigates life.

Flow is the best of what happens
when potential is activated by consciousness.


If history has taught me anything
about the nature of others,
it has taught me that
when nature can not be denied,
they persist.

It seems that we learn lessons
when we least expect them
but always when we need them the most,
and, the true gift in these lessons
always lies in the learning process itself.
~*~

"If you cannot be a pencil to write anyone's happiness, then try at least to be a nice eraser to remove someone sadness." ~ Jeana Farrell ~ ( Twitter ) 

The Invitation - Oriah (originally published 1999)

 ~*~
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments
~*~

This really shouted out to me today.  Is there not another who wants the same ~*~ and can I ?

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day poem, date unknown, 2011


It takes a lot of courage
It calls for strength of mind
To make a new beginning...

And leave the past behind.

To build upon the ruins
To dream another dream
To set forth in the darkness
Towards a distant gleam.

To suffer many losses
Yet faithful to remain
To rise above disaster
And then begin again……..

by Lorna McCulloch~ Survivor ~
Well, I wrote for a long time yesterday and that will stay in Draft for awhile.  I have almost released darn near everything I can think of - what has come to the top these last 2 months, give or take a few.  I asked for a spiritual cleansing and boy did I get one.  With school done, L's wedding done, and with the intention of studying for my national cert. - I thought I would have That Done by now.  However, the cleansing must have been more important.   Many emotions have roiled up inside .  There were changes occuring while I was still in clinicals and I kept suppressing  them, as I  did not feel I had the time to deal with them.   And of course, I know that was not a good idea, I just had hoped it would not kick my bum so damn hard when I could let it out .... holy cowbells.   So glad I can write this down without having to justify or explain it to anyone.  Leaving the past behind, can be a physically exhausting challenge and is one that requires mindful and objective focus.  This is an emotional journey that can either mire a person in regret, or can allow for the release of "baggage" that is not necessary for the future journey, and certainly cramps our Now style.   This is what I have been doing, and many " moments, people, events, and places " have bubbled up and spilled out.  I know for awhile my Shug did not want to leave my feet - bless her heart, such a powerful and devoted angel my bully is!  I love her so, and she's a healer too.  My kitties walk all over me in the morning - I just wish they weighed more so they could give me a walking massage !!!  The other two furbabies just want to be love touched.  I am blessed.   Lets see - I think it unnecessary to enumerate the losses, for I believe that in losing, one actually gains. 
I watched several videos, one sent by a friend, of eagles and hawks flying unfettered - in one video, 2 gents take off to parasail about 8000 feet over the Grand Canyon, while the rider has a goody bag of raw meat for the hawk that flies to his hand, lands and eats, and then floats away  --- and this goes on and on while these 2 men are parasailing over the canyon - its simply breathtaking and poignant.  Remarkable.  I may post the link here.  My point is though, that being that free to float and soar on the winds is very much synonymous with letting go of the past and making new beginnings to set forth for the journey.  
The emotions that spring up when a certain person, whom I have yet to meet or hear, and I have contact are still present and still puzzles me - thankfully, I have worked through them enough that I can bank those coals for now.  I realize that whatever "it" is will manifest in the order of the Universe and there is not much point in my questioning what it all means.   Just let it be and let it happen.  ... rather pointless chasing wisps of smoke right now.  
I can say with the highest probability ever, that all the non familial men of my past have been released and this feels very good.   That cliche "Those from the past that did not make it to the now, are not meant to be part of the future" truly does apply.  And I finally realize too, as my daughter has so often said "I am both very very intelligent and some quite crazy too",! ~ feels pretty darn good.  She does not mean certifiable, although my kids joke about that enough!  They do mean, that my wisdom and insight For them and For others is beyond definition or description, ergo, crazy!  That my way of behaving and treating other people in my life, in public and in my family - this is Me this is Who I am and although sometimes wacky, goofy, crazy or inane, I simply Am who I am and so be it as long as no harm done !  Which I try very hard to live by.  
To be able to walk forward now, knowing that the tethers are coiled and released back to their owners, they are no longer attached to me - this is a very wonderful and very remarkable emotion and I thank my Dad very much for the directions and assistance.  I get so forgetful and sometimes miss the tree because all I can see is the forest.  Or all I see is one tree when I would get a much better picture for looking at the forest - do not be confused, there is a huge difference.  It is all about depth of perception, contrast, and focus. 
If we focus on all the wrongs from the past, we are redirecting negative energies back into ourselves.  This perpetuates a negative imbalance that can quickly become a more permanent state of existence - and this is truly Very Unhealthy.   We really should service our Souls more to the pursuit of a state of healthy attitude in the Now.  Accepting that all that we have known, done, been, seen, touched, felt, observed, assimilated in the past - all the baggage that came along with those experiences was not our baggage to bring forward.  And creating baggage when there is none is even worse.  Lighten the load and drop everyone elses, every thing elses' baggage right now.  Just do it.   There is no real benefit to having to carry anything except ourselves.    "" ~Unless we know the road we are travelling, we will not know upon which path to go ~ ""  So in walking the road we are on, this journey that is more important than any destination, we have the God given ability to choose our direction, which path we will take.   This choosing is part of the Divine lesson of past lives' karma, being paid forward, to learn these lessons now, so that karma created and released, remains here and does not become baggage ... I think I am repeating myself, as there are so many ways to explain my thoughts.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  Some would say that one must have goals, aspirations, short term destinations and long term destinations to plan and achieve.  And I feel right now, that this is not what is right for me.  I will study to pass my exam.  And I will stop questioning whether this was the right path to take.  I can make a difference in that field of laboratory science if/when there is the opportunity to do so, it will be there for me.  I am feeling very unfettered.  Wishing I could name all of whom has been released and realizing how the Universe has already received who they are.  If this could be, also true, for the boy who calls me Maa.  I ask the Divine to lighten his path, to show him his alternatives to open doors and windows, that his horizons expand and opportunities exponentially grow.  You gave us each, a second chance at life,  and I have asked before that the reasons for this Gift be available ... Universe does not always grant wishes and I understand this.  Shining the light, this is not too much to ask, so that we both see the options.  Rising above the ashes of what was the past life, I feel ready to move ahead and seek your Divine guidance, in dream state or otherwise, please shine upon the options available. 
~ Blessings Be in Light and Love ~ Namaste ~ Om Mane Padme Uhm ~